Paper Hearts
by VeritaParlata
Summary: Sequel to What's Done in the Dark. Derek and Izzie’s affair comes to light, and nothing will be the same.
1. Prologue

**Paper Hearts**

Author: Verita Parlata  
Rating: Mature  
Characters/Pairings: Derek/Izzie; mentions of Meredith/Derek, George/Izzie; other Grey's cast members.  
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters from _Grey's Anatomy_.  
Premise: Derek and Izzie's affair comes to light, and nothing will be the same.  
Notes: This is the sequel to _What's Done in the Dark_. You might want to read that first to understand fully, but it's not completely necessary as all will be explained in this story.  
**Author's Notes**: This is just a short prologue. I'm just trying to set the tone of the story, plus it's 1am here and I need to sleep. To everyone who's asked about this story, I hope I can live up to your expectations. Thanks for reading! :)

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**Prologue:**

"It is not reason that governs love."  
-- Moliére

The sound of some inane indie-pop song blaring on the alarm clock on the nightstand proved to be an unwelcome intrusion to Dr. Isobel Stevens' slumber. Pulling her slender arm out from under her face, she groped in the darkness (her eyes still closed, her head facing the opposite direction) for the button to turn the blasted thing off. Her slim fingers tapped relentlessly along the top of the clock, Izzie mumbling something into her pillow, until she found the button and pressed it hard.

Her eyes were open now, full of annoyance and weariness, and she stared straight ahead toward the window. Though the drapes were drawn together, she knew it was still dark outside. There were no outside sounds that she associated with the dawn hours. Turning her head toward the clock, she saw the red numbers staring back at her - mocking her. Four-thirty, it taunted her; reminding her that she had to be at work in an hour and had only gotten two hours of sleep.

Izzie groaned - the sound a cross between a moan and a scoff - and closed her eyes again. The fatigue of yesterday's numerous surgeries coupled with the hours she logged in the clinic still clung tightly to her. She could feel it in her bones, with every ragged breath she took…

She should have just slept in the on call room and she had chided herself all the way home. She knew she would have to be to work at five-thirty after getting off at close to two in the morning, but she'd wanted to go home. Meredith and Alex were working the late shift tonight, and she would have the house to herself. She wanted to sleep in her own bed…without the unwanted distractions she knew she would get at the hospital.

The unwanted distraction in this case being a certain neurosurgeon with the most intoxicating greenish-blue eyes she's ever seen. Her eyes immediately snapped open when his face appeared behind her closed lids. He was giving her that mischievous grin while locking the on-call room door. She was pulling at his clothes, aching to feel the warmth of his skin next to hers, waiting to feel him bring out the primitive side in her soul.

It was four- thirty two when she finally used all her strength to pull herself upright and swing her legs across the edge of the bed. Derek Shepherd was to be off-limits as far as she was concerned (as far as anyone was concerned in Meredith's eyes). He was Meredith's soul mate. The two of them were on some kind of love rollercoaster that Izzie couldn't understand. They were together, then apart, then together again and currently apart. However, that didn't matter. Her friend was clearly in love with the man…even if she was confused about it… and Izzie shouldn't _flirt_ with him let alone _sleep _with him.

But that first night they shared three months ago when they met in Joe's bar by chance and connected on a deep (drunken) emotional level was something Izzie could never forget. She knew in the back of her mind while it was happening that it shouldn't be… and every night they've shared since then was a mistake.

A mistake she's made over and over again without a second thought to how Meredith would feel should she find out. She couldn't imagine the fallout that would ensue not only between her and Meredith…or Derek and Meredith… but between her and all her friends. They would certainly see her as an interloper (of that she was convinced) and she would lose the friends she's come to regard as her family.

Yet, even still, something about Derek kept drawing her in. He was like a flame and she was a moth, drawn to the flame all the while knowing it would consume her and burn her up. Truthfully, that's how she feels whenever they're together. Whether they're having sex or laying in each other's arms listening to each other breath, she feels as if she were burning up inside. The tiny flame in her chest ignites and overtakes her whenever Derek is around, and she believes that he feels the same about her (or so she hopes).

"Stop it, Izzie," she told herself. Her eyes were closed while she tried to focus on _not_ focusing on Derek. This was why she wanted to come home to be alone. She couldn't face Meredith if Derek was around, her body would betray her. She would stare too long at him, or smile too flirtatiously, and Meredith would know something was happening.

For the eight hundredth time, Izzie told herself she should end it with Derek. Should walk the other way when she sees him, shouldn't put herself in situations to be around him, she be polite and professional when called for and leave it at that. She couldn't imagine the look in Meredith's eyes should the other woman find out. Izzie knew she couldn't face that…could never forgive herself for breaking Meredith's heart that way. Meredith had opened her home and her heart to Izzie… she couldn't ruin that.

It had to end.

Opening her eyes, the clock mocked her again. Four-forty, it read, and Izzie rose from the bed to ready herself for one hell of a day.


	2. Chapter One

**Author's Note:** This chapter is way longer than I intended it to be. I'm not completely happy with it, but I suppose I'll keep it. Things should get more interesting in a bit. I'm just feeling my way through this new fandom. Thanks to **Caitlinlaurie** & **Berlian** for their kind reviews. Enjoy!

**Chapter One, Disguised As Simple Touch:**

"Good morning, Dr. Stevens." Derek's voice stopped Izzie in her tracks.

She turned to face him, hoping he wasn't too close, and found him to be a few feet away. She saw the door to his office was open and realized he must have seen her walk by. She told herself it was time to find a new way to this particular floor in light of that.

He gave her a small smile – it didn't quite reach his eyes - that was lecherous in nature. She felt her heart skip a beat when he started to walk toward her, hoping that he wouldn't openly flirt with her while her roommates were still in the hospital somewhere. She'd seen Meredith's car in the parking lot when she pulled in and made a mental note to avoid her as well as Derek. So far she's only been lucky in one respect.

He stopped two steps in front of her and she breathed a sigh of relief. He'd maintained enough distance between them to be construed as professional – _close_ but professional - to passersby, but Izzie could still smell the soap on his skin. She could see the mischievous glint in his eyes and it took all she had not to rush into his arms and lavish kisses along his shaven jaw-line. She had no idea how the man could look so incredibly and deliciously sexy at five-thirty in the morning, but he seemed to do it with ease.

When she realized they'd been standing quietly for a long moment, she said, "Good morning, Dr. Shepherd." The smile she gave him was forced and not at all like the way she usually does. "Busy night?" Why, oh why did she insist on making the conversation and her discomfort last longer?

Derek noticed her reservation, but made no moves to alter his demeanor toward her. If anything, his smile grew and took on a charming glint. "I've only just got here," he told her. She'd hoped that he was on the night shift with her friends, making it easier to avoid him. "It looks like you and I are working the same shift today." Izzie nodded, pursing her lips tightly together and making them appear white. "Won't that be fun?" He reached over and picked an imaginary piece of lint off her jacket. He made a show of analyzing it before wiping it away. It was a simple action and perfectly executed, so no one passing by would think that Derek only did it to touch her, but Izzie knew the guise perfectly well.

So much for him not openly flirting with her.

"Tons," she said and tried to walk away but Derek followed, even double-paced to catch up and walk beside her.

Izzie was looking down at the tiled floor (anything to not look at him) when Derek told her, "You don't look so good."

The blonde raised her head and flashed him a look of annoyance. "This is how one looks when they've pulled a double and only gotten two hours of sleep." She flashed him a charming smile of her own. "You remember, you were a first year resident once upon a time."

"Oh, yes," he replied with a nostalgic sigh. "Fun times." She didn't want to point out that those _fun times_ were spent with his ex-wife Addison but the thought did occur.

Izzie continued walking toward the locker room, Derek following beside her, until she reached the door and…

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" she asked, pausing outside the door.

Derek smiled. "I want to talk to you."

"I need to change," she countered.

"Go ahead, I don't mind." His grin was boyish and reminded her of the types of grins his best friend Mark Sloan gave.

"Derek," Izzie's voice was surprisingly even and stern.

"I love it when you go all _Dr. Stevens_ on me." He really was trying to get a rise out of her. She wouldn't let on, but it was working. Since he was standing so close to her now, she could really smell the soap on his skin and had visions of them sharing the shower at his trailer. The confined quarters holding them so tightly together, the water trickling down his hot body… "What are you thinking about?" Derek asked with a wide and happy grin.

"Transferring to another hospital," she lied. Her patience was growing thin. "What do you need to talk to me about," she asked, hoping he would answer her quickly. She couldn't take much more of looking into his piercing eyes.

The neurosurgeon's smile deflated a bit, but his eyes still sparkled with something Izzie couldn't quite place. "No, I don't think I want to tell you now. Come to the trailer tonight, I'll tell you then."

She looked around anxiously, hoping no one heard him say that. She admonished him with her eyes while saying in a low voice. "I'll be too tired to come to the trailer tonight. Tell me now."

Derek flashed a crooked grin when he relented, "I have something for you."

"What?" she asked, displaying her annoyance.

"You'll just have to come to find out the rest. Trust me, it'll be worth it." He started to walk away with that same happy grin. "Nine o'clock," he called over his shoulder. Secretly, Izzie loved it when Derek was a little difficult and flirtatious. He openly showed his interest in her and that was refreshing on a certain level. Derek knew this as well.

Izzie turned, intrigued, to go into the locker room when Derek called her again. She braced and turned around. Raising her eyebrows in acknowledgement of him, "What now?" she asked; not feeling any of the disdain her tone indicated.

"You're scrubbing in on my craniotomy in an hour," he told her, and for the first time today, Izzie genuinely smiled at him.

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"God, you're so lucky," Cristina Yang was saying when she sidled up to Izzie in front of the surgical board. "Shepherd's craniotomy is being talked about throughout the hospital." Izzie turned her head just in time to see the short brunette give her an evil glare. "As if you being blonde and stacked wasn't enough of a reason for me to hate you."

Izzie smiled at the comment, but otherwise ignored it. Instead she asked, "Why are people talking about it?"

"Because not only is it being performed on a hospital board member, but it's being used as an alternative stimulus for early stage Parkinson's disease," Cristina replied as if she were reading from a manual. Something off to the side caught her eye and her attention was diverted briefly before she turned back to Izzie. "Do you have any idea what this could do to your career if Shepherd succeeds?"

Izzie considered this carefully, wondering if this was the surprise Derek had for her. Then she remembered him wanting her to meet him at his trailer tonight so this couldn't possibly be the surprise. Still, it was a nice gesture. Lately, they've been talking about her career. What type of surgery she should specialize in, how to find out what makes her the happiest, how to achieve practice in all…

"What are you smiling about?" Cristina asked, her voice displacing the hold Derek had over Izzie's psyche. Her head snapped to the side fluidly when Meredith, Alex and George walked up to them. Izzie tried to keep the nervousness she felt from spilling forth, but her smile wasn't quite genuine when she looked at Meredith. Luckily, the other woman was looking more at the surgical board than Izzie.

"I hear you're going to scrub in on Shepherd's craniotomy," Alex's voice dripped with a mixture of jealousy and admiration.

Meredith's head snapped around in surprise. Her eyes were widened and then narrowed as Izzie smiled. Izzie felt her eyes and tried to make her smile more triumphant instead of wistful. "Yes," Izzie answered. "Jealous much?"

Alex made a face. His gruff voice resonating when he said, "Hell yeah. Do you know who the patient is?" He scoffed and smirked. Izzie face was blank, prompting Alex to give her a look of confusion. "You don't know who the patient is?"

Izzie shook her head and looked around to all her friends. They all seemed to share the same sentiment. Even George, who wasn't usually as competitive as the rest, looked as though she were the surgical enemy. "I can't believe you don't know," her best friend said. "You usually know everything." That was true. She usually knew about the gossip first hand because more often than not she was a part of it (that, and she was incredibly nosy). She wondered what her friends would think of some other news…

"Cristina said it was a board member but she didn't tell me which one," Izzie told them. "So who is it?"

"Dr. Stevens," that was the Chief's voice coming from behind them. Izzie's friends dispersed, all having better things to do than stand around. Chief Webber would have certainly pointed that out. He's been incredibly anal retentive since Seattle Grace's ranking dropped to number twelve.

The older man walked up to the young blonde looking distinguished and menacing all at the same time. Izzie knew better than to fear him, Richard Webber was a teddy bear stuffed with cotton candy in reality. In the hospital however, he was a rattlesnake. Izzie figured you don't become a hospital's chief of staff by being soft.

"Good morning, Chief," Izzie greeted him with a courteous nod.

"This craniotomy you and Shepherd are about to perform is very important for quite a few reasons," the older man wasted no time with pleasantries. "First and foremost being the treatment of our patient. The second being it's significant in nature. Third-" He made a face, not quite wanting to say this particular part. Izzie knew without a word he was regarding the hospital's ranking. "I need you to be on your best," he said after a moment.

Izzie's brow furrowed in confusion. "Sir?" Wondering if he was questioning her surgical skills.

Richard softened his facial features. "You've been logging a lot of hours this week," he said in a low, even tone. His eyes expressed concern for her. "You've been here longer than _I _have this week." His smile was genuine and friendly. His demeanor had changed from Chief to Mentor. "That kind of tiredness can stay with you."

"I'm fine, Sir," Izzie told him. In truth, the adrenaline of such a big surgery was coursing through her now and she couldn't imagine slowing down right now. Her fingers were starting to ache with anticipation. Derek would be doing most of the work, but her name would still be on the paper someone (possibly her) wrote. She would still be that first year resident who was a witness to history.

Richard nodded but said nothing. His eyes carefully looked her over, as if he were judging that for himself. He gave her a few words of encouragement before telling her, "Shepherd's waiting for you in OR Three." He patted her on the back lightly, something he did as encouragement and to showcase pride.

Izzie started to walk away, but turned to ask the Chief who the patient was but he was too far away. She headed for the operating room in a double paced sprint. She suited up and scrubbed thoroughly before walking into the room and seeing Derek standing behind the table. He looked up when she walked closer inside, his eyes sparkling like a child's on Christmas morning. She couldn't see the smile he gave her underneath the surgical mask, but noted from the way his eyes crinkled at the edges that it was wide.

"Dr. Stevens," he said. "I'd like you to meet Virginia Rice," he continued, gesturing to the sleeping woman on the table.

Izzie had only heard stories about this woman. She apparently was a real cutthroat, wanting things done in a certain way, demanding that the other board members side with her. Izzie looked down at the woman, who was every bit as tall and menacing looking (even asleep) as she imagined she'd be.

The nurse turned on the CD player in the wall, filling the room with soft classical piano music. Izzie looked up into the overhead gallery and saw her friends watching intently. For some reason, it put her on guard. Not that she would do anything to give away her relationship with Derek, but it still unnerved her. It felt like an intrusion.

Her eyes landed on Derek again and her stared back at her, the goofy grin she'd come to love plastered underneath the mask. She returned his smile when he said, "Okay, everybody. It's a beautiful day to save lives."

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The surgery and the rest of Izzie's day went swimmingly well. She and Derek worked well together, their ebb and flow in sync the whole time. She'd logged a few hours in the clinic, checked on some patients, helped her interns, and still managed to handle the "friendly" glares Cristina gave her, the quips from her other friends (and other residents) and Meredith's stares.

Her roommate had been staring at her strangely up until she and Alex were off their shift and went home. At least Izzie assumed they went home. She couldn't imagine them doing anything else. Something in Meredith's gaze was alarming. It wasn't a glare, but there was definitely heat behind it. It was as if Meredith had wanted to ask Izzie something, had some words burning on the tip of her tongue.

Izzie let the day slide away during her shower. She'd checked on her the craniotomy patient before coming into the locker room and found Derek there. He reminded her slyly to come to the trailer at nine tonight. It was nearly six now, and though she was tired and had spent the day avoiding him, she was still intrigued by what his surprise could be.

She'd thought these past three months with Derek that they were both in it for the sex. That neither of them had any real genuine feelings for one another. She'd always assumed that once Meredith got her act together and decided she wanted him back, Derek would return to Meredith and tell Izzie that it was over. She's even told him that on more than one occasion, even going so far as to tell him that she would understand. True love only comes around once and that he should take his chance. Since then, she's been walking on eggshells, trying to hold herself back and not develop real feelings for the neurosurgeon.

That was until she realized it was too late. She'd already developed real feelings for him. Real feelings that couldn't be denied any longer.

She's wanted to tell him that so many times but stopped herself. She had to remind herself that Derek wasn't really hers. That he was on loan (so to speak), and would return to his soul mate… someday.

It was these thoughts that stayed with her the two hours leading up to her boarding the ferry. As she drove her car toward Derek's trailer a little before nine, she found that he consumed many, if not all, of her thoughts. She couldn't remember what she'd done in the span of time from leaving work and heading there now. It was as if she had been in a foggy haze that was only starting to clear now as she made her way to him. She would ponder the irony of that later, but right now, she just wanted to reach him. To hold him and kiss him and remember what it feels like to be a slave to impulse.

He met her at her car door. Opening it for her and grabbing her close when she stepped away. Derek kissed her deeply, taking his time in tasting her, teasing her with his tongue and lips. When she moaned into his mouth, he pulled away. Giving her a sweet smile, he grabbed her hand and guided her into his trailer.

Izzie wasted no time in removing her jacket. She sat on the edge of his bed, waiting for him, anticipating his body covering hers. Her eyebrows hitched in quiet excitement when he kneeled between her open legs. His hands lingered on the underside of her knees, thumbing the flesh gently. He loved it when she wore skirts.

"So what's my surprise?" Izzie asked, her voice low and thick with lust.

Derek smiled up at her while kissing her thigh softly. His hands slide away but Izzie barely noticed. Every touch he gave sparked a nerve in her body. Her skin felt like it was on fire. He pulled out a box, leaning away to stand up and sit next to her on the bed. He handed her the box and she eyes him in confusion. She obviously wasn't expecting a real present.

"What's this?" she asked, looking between him and the box in her hands.

"Open it and see," Derek said with a smile she couldn't quite gage.

Izzie looked down with a wide smile. She dropped the box on her lap and untied the big pink bow. Taking the lid off the box, she found a smaller one inside. She gave him a look but he urged her on. Opening the smaller box, she saw what could only be described as a paper heart envelope. The jagged edges told her that he'd made this himself, and she realized then that she loved him. No man had ever made her a paper heart before and written her name across it in dazzling penmanship.

She pulled the envelope out and pulled out of the opened end a piece of paper.

"What is this?" she asked, her tone and smile dripping with confusion.

"Read it," he told her.

She opened it up and the words: LEASE to OWN in big bold print. She really was confused now. "An apartment lease?" She let out a non-committal sound. "I don't understand."

"Look at the bottom," Derek said, rolling his eyes. She was ruining his special moment. She opened it further and saw his name scrawled at the bottom. When the tears started to prick at her eyes, "I thought you'd like it. I did it for you."

She exhaled slowly, willing the tears not to fall. Looking over at him, she smiled brightly. "Why did you do this?" she asked.

Derek laughed. "Do you listen to me, woman?" he took the paper from her hands and tossed it in the box; then took the box off her lap and put it on the floor. He kept the paper heart in his hands and knelt in front of her again. There was no sexual aura coming off him in waves right now, only sincerity. "Izzie." He looked up into her eyes longingly. "I got the apartment in town for you…us. Because I know you…" he looked around the trailer. "It's not fair to bring you here when Meredith and Addi were here. I want something… new with you. Something fresh."

"I don't mind the trailer," she lied.

His eyebrow hitched as if to say _yeah right_. "Iz, we've been sleeping together for three months, you think I don't notice when you're comparing yourself to Meredith and Addi?" She looked away. "I don't compare you to them," he assured her, and she looked back at him.

"Derek, I would never ask you to give up your trailer," she informed him, suddenly serious.

He touched her face lovingly. "I know that. I know you would be content to keep this casual between us because you think I'm going back to Meredith when she calls, but… you're wrong, Iz. I'm not going back to Meredith." He took her hands and clasped them gently around his paper heart. "I'm giving you my heart, Iz." He pulled his hands away, suddenly nervous. Suddenly aware of the weight of the next words he was about to say. He just hoped she wouldn't be frightened away. Izzie could feel him wanting to say something else. Could see the sheer fear in his eyes, and realized he was afraid she would reject him. "Will you accept it?" he asked, his voice tiny.

Izzie considered this, thinking of how happy she's been these past three months. How sex wasn't the only thing they shared anymore. They may have used each other to heal their broken hearts a while ago, but somewhere along the way, somehow, they'd stumbled across something real.

Yet still, something nagged at her.

"What about Meredith?" she asked timidly. "If she finds out about us, it will break her heart."

Derek sighed and sat on the bed next to her again. "I'm sorry that Meredith will be hurt, I really am, but I can't put my life on hold because she's confused. It's been six months since she and I broke up, Iz, and in that time, I met and connected with an amazing woman who makes me feel amazing."

Izzie nodded. "Who is she?" she joked, though the moment didn't call for it.

It got Derek to smile though. "I'm serious, Izzie. I want something real with you. I'm not proposing marriage or anything, but I would like to be able to walk down a Seattle street and hold your hand. I know that it was kind of forward and confusing of me to ask you to accept my heart, but…" his words were cut off by Izzie kissing him. She pulled away, staring at him sweetly and Derek asked, "So do you want something serious, too?"

She nodded, tears pricking her eyes again. "Yeah," she replied softly. "I thought I wouldn't… but… yeah. I do."

The smile Derek gave her nearly stopped her heart. He reached up and brushed a blonde curl behind her ear. He leaned forward and kissed her tentatively. He kept kissing her slowly until he felt her relaxing, letting her guard down, and letting him in.

Izzie wrapped her arms around his neck, holding onto him and this moment. Wanting to stop time for just a little while. Her mind reverted back to this morning when she'd gotten up. She was determined to end things with him, to spare all of them some heartbreak down the road. And now she was here in his arms, on his bed, kissing him, tasting him, loving him.

A giggle escaped her when Derek pulled her down on top of him.

The paper heart had slipped from her fingers to rest on the bed beside them.

_He was right_, Izzie thought when Derek peeled her clothing away; exposing her bare skin before him in the light. She loved the way he looked at her. His (paper) heart was (is) worth it


	3. Chapter Two

**Author's Note:** I had to cut this chapter or it would have been longer than the four pages it already is. Sometimes, my brain gets carried away and creates something that is SO FAR from my outline that I often wonder why I BOTHER to OUTLINE a story at all. o_O. Anyway, despite that fact, I hope you enjoy. Many thanks to **muffin aux carottes**, **Caitlinlaurie** & **pepper-maroon **for their wonderful feedback and support of this story.

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**Chapter Two, Clarity:**

Derek awoke to the morning sunlight peeking through the window. His eyes opened slowly, adjusting to the light, and settled on Izzie's sleeping face. The smile that crossed his pink lips was automatic and could not be helped as he stared at her sleeping frame. Her head lay on her pillow with her blonde curls fanning out behind her. There was no makeup on her beautiful face but her cheeks were a rosy pink, and a soft smile curled the corners of her mouth. Derek immediately found himself wondering what she was dreaming of. He wanted to wake her and ask but thought the better of it. His girlfriend (he enjoyed thinking of her as such), though cheery by nature, did not like to be awakened. Especially not at – he turned his head to look at the clock – six in the morning.

Derek sighed heavily, taking care to keep his movements as soft as possible. He got out of bed quietly; wearing nothing but the boxers he slept in, and crept to the makeshift kitchen to start the coffee. He and Izzie were working a mid shift today, but she would still have to go home and change. He figured she would be happier about it if she had caffeine in her system.

He opened the cupboard to grab two mugs when dishes clattered. His head snapped in Izzie's direction, but the blonde hadn't so much as stirred. He was glad, he loved to look at her this way: peaceful and at ease. It had taken him so long to get her to feel comfortable with their relationship, taken much more to get her to admit that she enjoyed it, and to not use Meredith as an excuse for her fears of commitment. His efforts had not been in vain, and he smiled widely when he remembered that just two days ago, he gave Izzie his heart. Granted it was made of paper but the sentiment was the same. He was slowly falling in love with the young doctor and it felt wonderful.

The past three months with Izzie was like a breath of fresh air. Air that he desperately needed after his disastrous relationship with Meredith ended...again. Derek would be the first to admit that the other woman would always hold a special place in his heart, but he couldn't ever imagine going back to her. He credited her with making him feel alive again after Addison and Mark broke his heart, but she could never give Derek what he needed. She could never trust him enough to let him in, and always held part of herself just out of reach. Derek knew now that Meredith could never make him feel the way Izzie does. The beautiful blonde had successfully ruined him for any other woman.

"Is that coffee supposed to make up for getting me up at this ungodly hour?" Izzie mumbled, rising to sit up in the bed.

Derek walked over to the bed, a huge smile on his face, and kissed her cheek. Izzie had this thing about dental germs first thing in the morning. Even that quirk was something that made him love her. "Good morning, Blondie," he whispered against the shell of her ear, taking in his scent on her skin, feeling the arousal he didn't try to hide deep in his bones. He kissed her collarbone before sitting back on his heels and looking at her. "Yes, it is. I figured you wouldn't be so grumpy about going home this early if you were your bright and chipper self via caffeine."

Though she still looked sleepy, Derek noticed the regret that filled her blue eyes at the mention of her home. She wouldn't admit it, but he knew she was thinking of Meredith. Thinking of how the other woman would react to finding out about their relationship. Derek had to admit that her loyalty to her friend was one of the many things that had made him fall for her, but he also knew that he could never give up what he and Izzie had found together. The clarity he'd found with Izzie could not be matched any more than it could be denied.

"Hopefully, Alex and Mer are still asleep so I can just sneak in," she said softly. "Like a teenager who stayed out past curfew."

Derek reached forward and grabbed her hand. He brought it to his lips and kissed it gingerly before saying, "I'm going to tell Meredith about us."

They'd decided two days ago that if they were going to have something real and serious, that it should start with telling people they were together. Though it troubled her when she thought of losing the friends she loved, she knew it had to be done. She wanted to be with Derek. Yet still she found herself saying, "Derek, I think it should…."

"I know you think it should come from you since you're her roommate, but… I think it should come from me. I think she should know that I've moved on and that I'm not using you to get over her, or to hurt her."

"She's going to think I'm trying her hurt her," Izzie told him. "And I'm not, I just…" She sighed. "It shouldn't be this hard. I just want to be with you, I want what we have."

"Me, too," he replied, turning her hand over to kiss her palm and wrist. He kept kissing her pulse until he felt her relaxing. He realized that was one of her "spots" the third time they'd slept together. He'd kissed her pulse on a whim and she purred like a cat. Since then, he's done it to relax her.

An absent smile crossed her lips while she wiped her eyes. She stretched, arching her back languorously, and let out a soft murmur of something Derek couldn't make out. Truthfully, he wasn't listening to what she was saying. His eyes had found the bite mark just above her left breast when her nightgown had slipped, and his mind went back to the moment he made that mark.

"My eyes are up here, Mister," Izzie told him playfully.

"Trust me, I know every part of your body very well," he said and felt no embarrassment. The heat in his eyes was almost palpable.

Izzie felt herself blushing all over. She looked over at the clock and exclaimed. "Shit!" she jumped out from under the covers, almost knocking Derek off the bed. "I have to get home. I have to be at the hospital by eight. Can I use your toothbrush, I forgot mine." She asked but had already started to use it.

Derek gave her a look of confusion but she didn't see it in all her scurrying around. She dressed as quickly as he'd undressed her the night before, tossing her nightgown onto the bed beside him.

The frown was intentional. "I thought you were working a nine to nine?" he said, rising from the bed to check the coffee. He removed the pot and poured some into a silver thermos.

"I told my interns that I'd be in early to help them get acclimated to the clinic since the Chief has relegated most of them there after that Sadie fiasco." She accepted the thermos of coffee he handed her with a bright smile. "Not that I mind the help, but most of them are so afraid of making a mistake that they usually end up calling me every two minutes." She sighed. "They've forgotten that they're doctors."

Derek grabbed her around the waist and pulled her against his body. She rarely listened when she was frenzied unless she was forced to. "Iz, you've been working like a madwoman this week. Not to mention staying up late." He didn't say why but his smirk explained it all (she rolled her eyes at him with a small smile). "And not sleeping."

"I slept last night," she countered, making no effort to get out of his arms. That was a battle she never could win.

"One night of sleep doesn't make up for the other hours that you've missed. I don't want you to burn yourself out." His voice was full of genuine concern. "You won't be any help to your interns, the patients, not to mention yourself if you're exhausted."

Izzie rolled her eyes. "You sound just like the Chief," she told him. Derek gave her a smug grin. Nice to know he wasn't the only one who noticed she was pushing herself too hard "Come on, it's just first year residence stuff. You know I'm trying my hand at everything, studying everything. We've got the solo surgery prospect coming up and… I'm fine."

She said it so convincingly that he almost believed it (he could tell that she believed it, unfortunately). He would have believed it if he didn't know her as well as he did. But since he did know her, he knew she was compensating for something. He just couldn't say what, and didn't want to ask her for fear of scaring her off.

"Are you going to help me pack?" he asked, relenting on the subject and letting her free. Derek has learned when to push her and when to let some things go. "I'd like to move some of my stuff over there this weekend."

Izzie nodded. "Yeah. Ten o'clock?" she asked, already heading for the door.

"Yeah," he answered, but it was cut off by the slamming of his screen door. He sighed heavily while walking back to sit on the bed. She was running from something, that much he was sure of… he just didn't know what.

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"Something is going on with him," Meredith Grey was telling best friend Cristina when Izzie walked toward them at the surgical board. Izzie could see the other woman's mouth turned down in a petulant frown (as well as Cristina trying not to roll her eyes), and deduced that they were talking about Derek.

"Hey," Izzie greeted them timidly.

"Hey," the other women responded in unison. Meredith was the first to speak again. "I know something is going on with him," she said, more to Cristina than Izzie, while looking around.

"Why don't you just ask him if he's avoiding you?" Cristina posed. She looked over at Izzie with a _please help me _look, and Izzie cracked a smile.

"Because if he's _not_ avoiding me, then he might get upset for me thinking he _was_," Meredith explained as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. Cristina simply rolled her eyes. "You honestly don't think something is going on with him?"

Izzie remained quiet, anxious to hear Cristina's answer. The brunette was quiet and observant, and knew just about everything. Izzie wondered if she knew the real reason Derek was being distant.

"I can't answer that," Cristina said after a moment. "I honestly don't know. I honestly don't know why you won't ask him, but as I've said before: you two had a lot of things to work out. Maybe he has some things he needs to work out on his own."

"It's been six months," Meredith replied with another scowl. "What could he possibly have to work out that takes that long?"

Izzie started to walk away to wait for Dr. Miranda Bailey – Chief Resident – to pass out the morning instructions. Checking her watch, aware that Meredith and Cristina had turned to follow her, she wished that nine o'clock would hurry.

"Maybe he's seeing someone else?" Meredith said to Cristina, who quite obviously didn't want to talk about it anymore.

Izzie's entire body seemed to tense when Meredith said it, and she was thankful her back was to them. She stopped next to George and tried to ignore the two women behind her. "Hey," she greeted her best friend.

George replied with a bright smile. "Hey," He started (and stopped) to say something to her. Starting again, "Congratulations on the surgery." He could see that she was confused and clarified. "Shepherd's craniotomy: Virginia Rice is expected to make a full recovery and be up and making demands in no time." Izzie nodded with a smile but said nothing. She didn't know why George was congratulating her, she didn't really do anything. She just assisted Derek. The thought of him made her ears perk up to Meredith and Cristina again, but George saved her. "So, we should get a drink tonight after work. I feel like I haven't seen you in forever."

"You see me every day, George," Izzie reminded him. "And if for some reason I'm not at the hospital, you call me."

"That's not the same. We don't hang out anymore. Not since…" his voice trailed and his eyes fell to the floor. He was always so nervous about discussing their failed relationship.

"Since we stopped having wild, monkey sex?" she supplied with a brazen grin.

That seemed to do away with George's nervousness. He looked up and laughed happily. "Yeah," he agreed after his fit of laughter was over. "So how about it?" He looked so hopeful that it broke Izzie's heart to tell him no.

So she didn't.

"I get off at nine," she told him. She would have to search Derek out (discreetly) and tell him that she might be a little late in getting to the trailer tonight. She knew he wouldn't mind. He's always encouraging her to spend time with her friends, wanting her to have a life outside of the hospital and his bed. She looked forward to the day when maybe (perhaps) they _all_ could go out as friends. She knew that day was far off, but it still felt nice to dream.

"Great, I'll meet you at Joe's," he replied with a wide smile that brightened his whole face. "I've got something I need to talk to you about, anyway."

Izzie gave him a heated look, but George knew she was joking. "Great, so now I'm going to be thinking of what you have to tell me all day. Thanks a lot, George." She nudged him with her shoulder and he nudged her back.

The two of them stood smiling at each other, playfully bickering back and forth, when Meredith called Izzie's attention. It wasn't lost on Izzie that Cristina told Meredith to not ask, but the other woman didn't listen. "Izzie, you've been talking to Derek lately, do you know if something's going on with him?"

To her credit, Izzie controlled her tongue and didn't blurt out that what was going on with Derek was her. Nor did she get defensively nervous. Still, she regretted lying to her friend. This moment… was not the moment to bring Meredith's world crashing down. "Not that I can tell," she lied. "We've just been talking about work. I've been asking about surgery specialties and he's offered an opinion." Meredith's piercing gaze was starting to make her feel uneasy. "Why don't you do like Cristina said and talk to him," she posed, hoping the hopefulness in her voice didn't come through too much. She really hated lying to Meredith, and almost wished she could talk to Derek now. The sooner Derek told her what was going on, the sooner Meredith could argue with Izzie, and the sooner all of them would be able to move on. Somehow, Izzie figured, it wouldn't be that easy.

Meredith couldn't respond. Dr. Bailey had reached the group huddled by the nurse's station. Alex sprinted quickly to catch up. Dr. Bailey hated it when people were late. The short spitfire read over some notes in her hand before addressing the group.

"Yang, you've been requested by Dr. Dixon. Grey, Karev in the Pit with the interns. O'Malley, you're with Dr. Shepherd." Izzie looked over to see Meredith was put off by not being paired with Derek again. Miranda looked at Izzie with a look that was equal parts concern and sorrow. "Stevens, you're with me." She lowered her head to look at her note again and the other residents knew enough to get moving.

Izzie waited the proper amount of time before asking what the emergency she didn't want to discuss in front of the others was. "What's going on?" she asked, her tone respectful.

Miranda looked up into the blonde's face with as much sadness she would allow herself to feel. "Hannah Klein was admitted to Mercy West for an epileptic seizure." She grabbed Izzie's hand in a show of support. Izzie knew then it was to get worse, Miranda was rarely one to let her emotions get the better of her. "They found lesions on her brain and are transferring her here at her parent's request."

Izzie felt as if all the air in the room had been sucked out. The hot tears that pricked at her eyes pour out in droves. Her daughter was sick… and on her way here.

"It'll be okay, Izzie," Miranda was wiping the tears off her cheeks. Neither woman cared who saw them. "We've gotten through this once," she reminded the young doctor. "We'll do it again."

Miranda didn't know how badly Izzie wished for those words to be true. She didn't know how badly she was praying for a miracle.


	4. Chapter Three

**Author's Notes:** So again, I had to cut a chapter. What I wanted to put into this chapter, I feel, will fit better in the next chapter. I don't want this story to feel rushed. Also, I'm sure none of you want to read ten friggin' pages. o_O. The first part of this chapter is for **Caitlinlaurie** for her suggestion of '_Derek needing someone to talk to'_. I hope I've lived up to your expectations (don't tell me if I didn't. it will crush me…lol). As always, many thank to **Berlian, bellasblush **& **pepper-maroon** for their constant, wonderful feedback and their encouragement. You guys keep me writing. Enjoy!

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**Chapter Three, (Un) Dressing the Wounds:**

"_I'm not always forthcoming with my feelings," Izzie had said to Derek one night two months ago. "Especially when it comes to something that hurts."_

The neurosurgeon sat in his office thinking back on the conversation that really solidified the beginning of their relationship. They'd both been viewing their relationship as purely sexual (Derek had the inkling to make it more, but respected Izzie's wishes to keep it casual), but when she opened up her heart to him that night, he'd realized that they had more than sex.

"_Everyone does that," he'd told her. "Everyone wants to hold back on saying what will hurt them." He took her hand and laid it across his bare chest. Her slender fingers flexed lightly, teasing the hair on his chest. "It's knowing that, when you're ready, you can open up to someone that makes the pain more bearable."_

_Izzie smiled a little. "I hate feeling vulnerable. I hate feeling like I'm not in control my life." Tears she couldn't explain sprang to her eyes. "I felt that way growing up and I promised myself that I would never allow myself to lose control. I have a habit of doing everything I can to not confront it until I'm ready." She leaned over and kissed him softly on the lips as he lay on his back. His fingers rubbed soothing circles on the back of her hand. "But it's nice to know that I can be vulnerable with you. That when I'm tired of running away, I can run to you."_

The scans on Derek's desk lay forgotten as the memories of that night flickered across his mind. She'd shared a large part of her personality with him that night. Thinking on it now, he realized more than ever that something was wrong. He knew that something was bothering her, something she wasn't quite ready to share with him yet, and surprisingly, he felt okay with that. It was a different feeling with Izzie than with Meredith in this aspect of the relationship. Where Meredith would pull away and he would have to drag it out of her (only to have her pull away even more), Izzie, he knew, would come to him when she needed him. When whatever was bothering her became more than she could handle, she would lean on him. He loved knowing she felt okay with being vulnerable around him. It set his heart afire to know that she depended on him.

It was that night when he knew they could have something real.

There was a light knock on his door, pulling him from his daydream, and a head peeked inside. "Busy?" Mark Sloan asked.

Derek shook his head and turned away from his desk toward the door to face his friend. "Just going over some post-op scans," he said. He seemed to relax a little when Mark walked in further and shut the door. "What's up?"

Having grown up with Derek, Mark could read his friend's expressions effortlessly. The other man, with dirty blonde hair and a chiseled jaw, arched an eyebrow skeptically. "What's wrong? You and the Blonde Goddess have a lover's quarrel?"

Derek cut his eyes to Mark, ruing the day he told him about his and Izzie's relationship. Actually, he didn't have much choice. Mark had come to the trailer one night a month ago (Derek totally forgot that he had _wingman_ duties) and saw Izzie's car. He'd cleverly goaded Derek into revealing that the two of them were in a relationship. Since then, Mark has called Izzie _Blonde Goddess_. However, since he's kept his mouth shut about them, Derek and Izzie let him get away with it.

"No," Derek answered sharply, feeling slightly put off and taking it out on Mark. He softened and said, "She's been working ridiculous hours lately."

"She's a first year resident," Mark said, echoing Izzie's argument. He shrugged. "If you remember, we _never_ left the hospital." An absent smile crossed Mark's lips and Derek knew he was thinking something obscene.

"I don't know. Maybe." Derek replied hesitantly. He scratched his head. "It's just this feeling I have. Something is bothering her and she's not telling me."

Mark made a non-committal sound. "You guys aren't having problems, are you?" he inquired in a surprisingly sensitive tone.

"No, no." Derek shook his head. "It's great. You know, apart from the sneaking around."

An impish grin curled the corners of Mark's mouth. He apparently liked the idea of an illicit affair. Derek tried not to dwell on the fact that Mark _had_ an illicit affair with his ex-wife. They'd come too far to go back down that road again.

"I thought you were going to tell Meredith about you and Izzie?" Mark questioned. Derek could see that Mark was consciously checking his tone when speaking of Meredith. It gave Derek pause, however. He could see why Mark would be gentle regarding Meredith. After all, it wasn't that long ago that he was telling his best friend that she was the love of his life… even over the eleven years he spent with Addison. Derek knew that Mark felt a certain sense of camaraderie with the young doctor. Together they made up Mark's _Dirty Mistresses Club._

"I am," Derek replied after a long moment of silence. "She deserves to know." He sighed heavily, obviously feeling the weight of the world on his shoulders. "But sometimes, I feel like Izzie wants to keep us in the dark." He looked up at Mark with a sad glint in his greenish-blue eyes. "She thinks that someday soon, Meredith is going to want me back….and I'm going to go."

To his credit, Mark didn't point out the obvious: that the scenario Izzie was weary of usually _did _happen. Derek and Meredith would be trudging along happily, break up for whatever reason, get used to being apart (or as used to it as those two could possibly get) only to wind up back in each other's beds. Mark could see how Izzie didn't want to be involved in that.

He cleared his throat, "Okay, man," he began, readjusting the way he was sitting on the arm of the sofa in Derek's office. "Don't get mad because I'm only throwing this out there." He waited for Derek to agree to not get upset before continuing. "Having been witness to the rollercoaster ride that is 'Meredith and Derek'," Derek made a face but let Mark continue. "Are you sure that whatever's going on between you and Izzie isn't just, I don't know, a rest period between you and Meredith finding your way back to each other?"

Derek, for a long moment, looked hurt by Mark's question. His jaw clenched angrily, eyes narrowing into slits, his knuckles aching because he's balled his hand so tightly into a fist. He wanted to lunge at Mark for making such a statement. How could his best friend (_very_ best friend) think that he would use Izzie that way?

Then, it dawned on him that it had happened before. He'd tried to make his marriage work, but ended up back with Meredith. They'd broken up again after that and Derek tried to move on, but ended up back with her. Now, they'd broken up, engaged in casual sex, but… he'd gotten involved with Izzie soon after. Izzie was the deciding factor in this case, and Derek knew with great certainty that he could not break her heart that way.

"No," the neurosurgeon's voice was barely a whisper but Mark heard him. "It's not. I love her," he revealed for the first time aloud. He looked into Mark's eyes, showing the other man that he was serious. "I love her, and I want what she and I have. It's a good thing."

Mark nodded, happy to hear this from his friend. Happy knowing that his friend had found happiness again. "I'm happy for you man. You and the Blonde Goddess have both been… unlucky… for a long time in that department." Derek cracked a smile. "What?" Mark asked.

"Nothing," Derek replied. "It's just not every day that you and I have an adult conversation about my relationship. You're usually telling me about your latest conquest."

Mark shrugged. "It's been a very dry week." He gave a purely lecherous grin while standing. "So you're good to go on this, right? You don't need me to give you any pointers on having the 'We're over' talk, do you?" Mark asked in a nonchalant tone, but Derek knew that, whether he admitted it or not, Mark carried a soft spot for Meredith and did not want to see her hurt.

"No," Derek chuckled a little. "I think I'm good."

"Alright, man," he said, heading toward the door. "You can always call me if you need me."

Derek nodded, turning back toward his desk to look at the scans. He turned back toward the door suddenly. "Hey," he called the other's man attention. "You never told me why you came by. I doubt it was to talk about me and Iz."

That was true, but Mark didn't feel comfortable telling Derek about the woman he'd slept with last night when he had so much to worry about right now. He shrugged again, his chiseled jaw relaxing. "It can wait," he said and left Derek alone in his office.

Those same post-op scans lay forgotten again when Izzie's smiling face came back to him. He closed his eyes, imagining (remembering) that night two months ago. The vulnerability she displayed, the heartbreak she opened up about… She'd allowed him to see a part of her no one else saw. Allowed him to help in healing a part of her that was still broken.

Opening his eyes, determined to get some work done, Derek vowed that whatever wounds Izzie carried now, he would dress them. He would heal her… no matter what it took.

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Izzie and Miranda stood outside the hospital ER exit awaiting the ambulance that held her daughter and Hannah's adoptive parents. Izzie's mouth moved rapidly, saying a prayer, but no sound escaped. This prayer was private. This was between her and God.

She couldn't imagine what foul thing Hannah had done to deserve this. She wasn't old enough to have done anything. She was just a kid. A sick kid. Being a doctor, Izzie knew that sometimes… kids get sick. Sometimes… kids die. Children younger than Hannah had been born with and died from awful diseases. It made her sick to her stomach to feel this way but… those children… were not _her_ child. Her child, the one she carried for nine months and gave away in the hopes of finding a better life, was sick.

No, Izzie couldn't imagine what Hannah had done to deserve this.

So she came to the conclusion that the little girl was paying for _her_ mistakes. The saying, '_The sins of the father are greater than the sins of the son'_, came to mind. Izzie knew she must have had a many great sin for this to be happening…again.

The distant sirens came closer, and more than ever, Izzie wished Derek was by her side. She hadn't told him about Hannah, thinking that their relationship wouldn't last. Now that they'd resolved to go public and to build something real, she wanted to tell him. She wanted to tell him all about her past and all the mistakes she made… but she wanted him to know that _one_ good thing came from all of that. Her beautiful daughter.

The ambulance pulled up and the back door burst open. The gurney carrying an unconscious Hannah was brought down, the wheels snapping to the ground with a clank. The Kleins stepped down next, hurrying to catch up with the moving gurney.

This all felt too surreal to Izzie. She looked down into her daughter's face and felt the pride of a mother. All of her training, her detachment that came with being a doctor, flew out the proverbial window. She looked as desperate as Mrs. Klein did. Suddenly, Izzie felt she had no right to feel the way she did. She'd given Hannah up. She wasn't there for her first steps, first words… nothing. She'd missed it all, and now…

"Dr. Stevens," it was Mr. Klein who'd called her. Izzie had stopped just outside the door of the patient room for Hannah. Miranda had gone inside to get everything set up, and had the nurse page Derek.

Izzie looked over into the man's teary eyes, feeling every bit of his heartbreak. "Yes?" Her voice sounded strange to her own ears.

"I just wanted to thank you for everything you've done," he said. "I know it's been hard not being able to tell Hannah who you are…" Miranda came out of the room to tell them it was okay for them to sit with her and that the doctor would be there soon. Mr. Klein nodded, thanking her before saying. "Thank you again, Izzie," He finished before he and his wife went inside.

Miranda looked at Izzie quizzically. "Was he being polite or…?"

Izzie let the tears she'd been holding back fall. She looked up at the ceiling, willing herself to stop crying. She exhaled slowly; feeling like a knife had been plunged into her heart. "Hannah's been…" she cleared her throat. "…having some radiation treatment for her leukemia and they couldn't afford it." She looked away from Miranda's gaze, feeling embarrassed. "I've been working so many hours to help them pay for it."

Miranda smirked proudly. "Izzie Stevens, you're an amazing woman." She took the young blonde's hand. "Don't you dare feel embarrassed for doing right by your girl, you hear me?" Izzie nodded. "Not many people would do what you did, Izzie."

"She doesn't know who I am," Izzie revealed sadly. Her pink cheeks reddening with embarrassment and anger. "I've met her but she thinks I'm just a doctor. It didn't seem like the right time to tell her I'm her bio-mom." She looked through the glass, watching the parents rally at their daughter's bedside. "And now with this… I might not have the chance."

"Shh," Miranda soothed. "Don't say that. She's a fighter, Izzie. She's strong like you."

"She's stronger than me," the blonde replied with a watery smile. "She's a great kid."

Miranda didn't say anything else, just held Izzie's hand until Derek and George arrived. Miranda took Derek into the room, who had locked eyes with a crying Izzie and wanted to find out what was wrong. He saw her tears and it broke his heart; it had taken nearly all his strength to force him to go inside the room and not stand at her side. George lingered outside the door with Izzie, grabbing the hand that Miranda dropped.

"What is it?" he asked softly. He peered into her eyes. "What's wrong?"

"It's Hannah, George," Izzie told him sadly before flinging herself into his arms.


	5. Chapter Four

**Author's Notes:** Sorry for the delay in posting this. I had it all completed last night to post in the morning before I went to work, but forgot to save the damn thing before I went to bed. So when I woke up in the morning and realized that my computer battery had been drained because I'D UNPLUGGED IT, and then realized that all of my work was for naught. o_O. Yeah, I'm a friggin' genius sometimes. Anyway, we're trudging right along. This chapter is longer, and uncut, because I felt that this was a pivotal chapter. This is the chapter that solidifies one relationship... and completely demolishes another. And if you've been reading this story, you know which relationships I'm referring to. ;) Things will get very interesting very soon. On a side note (only not really) I've come up with an idea for a THIRD Derek/Izzie story. Not to mention an _interqual_ drabble detailing their three month interlude before this story picks up. ALSO.... I'm putting together a Derek/Izzie FANMIX to accompany this story. (Yeah, I've been run over by the friggin' Derek/Izzie love-train). If anyone is interested in anything I just said... well, one, thanks for reading all that crap. And two, drop me a line and let me know if you're in favor of any of it. (Especially regarding the fanmix). As always, many (many) thanks to **muffin aux carottes**, **pepper-maroon** & **Caitlinlaurie** for their constant, wonderful, and encouraging feedback.

**Chapter Four, State of Emergency:**

The majority of the day had gone by in a blur. It was nearly eight at night before Derek was able to settle down in his office and think. He hadn't seen Izzie since that moment in the corridor. When he inquired to Miranda about her (under a nonchalant guise of course. The short woman still considered it odd), she only told him that it was the specifics of the case and that she would need George throughout the day. Derek relinquished his resident on the hopes that it would be easier to find and talk to Izzie without her best friend around. What the neurosurgeon _hadn't_ counted on was Izzie disappearing. She wasn't in the hospital, the clinic and she wasn't answering her damn cell phone.

He tried to think of a reason this particular case would make her so distraught. She was a doctor, a very well-trained one, and as such… she knew that children became sick. This young girl, Hannah Klein, was very sick… but Derek saw no reason she shouldn't recover. The radiation treatments she underwent for her leukemia worked as well as her oncologist had hoped. She was headed for completed remission until a complication arose. Apparently, the treatment had caused a brain lesion to form, but it was malignant.

He would take no chances in her operation, she was scheduled for surgery the day after tomorrow, just enough time for her vitals to steady… and Derek predicted a full recovery.

Still, something about this whole thing nagged at him. The memory of her falling tears ripped his heart to shreds. He hated not being there for her when she needed him.

Derek suddenly remembered that a month ago, a child about the same age as Hannah was admitted to Seattle Grace with severe cluster headaches. Izzie had seen him three times before in the clinic, and each time had sent him home. After the third time, Izzie admitted the child but it was too late. The aneurysm they found would rupture that very night… killing him in his sleep.

Derek watched her cry herself to sleep for a week straight before he had the courage to say anything about it.

_She'd recoiled from his touch, unable to look him in the eye. She felt ashamed. "What kind of doctor turns away a frightened child and their parents?" she asked, rhetorically. Tears streaked down her pink cheeks from her piercing blue eyes._

"_Izzie, look at me," Derek pleaded while placing his hand on her back. He was pleased she didn't recoil this time. "Please," he added after a beat. _

_Izzie slowly shifted on the bed to face him. Her long, lean body looking crumpled under the weight of her guilt. She kept her eyes low, staring at one fixed spot on the blanket. Derek placed a gentle hand under her chin, feeling a teardrop trickle down his finger, and raised her head to look into her eyes._

"_You're an excellent doctor, Izzie," he told her, his voice slightly stern. He wanted her to know he meant it. She scoffed. "No, you are. You're an excellent, caring doctor who's bedside manner has helped countless patients in Seattle Grace and the clinic. But you're human, Iz. You're allowed to make a mistake. You're not perfect."_

_She pulled away, slightly offended, but more angry and hurt than anything else. "My mistake cost that little boy his life, Derek."_

"_No, it didn't." Of that he was sure. "You did everything you were supposed to do."_

"_I could have ordered more tests! I could have examined him more closely. I could have admitted him sooner! Instead, I sent him home!"_

"_Iz, you see countless patients in the clinic every day. Tyler's symptoms were consistent with your diagnosis Hell, the CT scan barely registered the aneurysm." The aneurysm was inoperable. It was the size of a nickel and inoperable and ruptured without warning. Derek was certain the little boy didn't feel a thing._

"_That doesn't make it okay, Derek! He trusted me! His parents…. trusted me!"_

"_Izzie," He grabbed her when she started to get off the bed. She pushed him away, but his grip around her waist kept her in place. He wouldn't let her run away from this. She needed to face the pain in order to accept it and move on. "Izzie, you did everything right," he repeated. "You did everything right." She fought a little harder and he pulled her into a hug, holding her close to him, whispering in her ear, "You did everything right."_

_Her cries for him to let her go were soon drowned out by the sounds of her sobs. Izzie cried into his shoulder, holding onto him for support. He would be her port in the storm. He would hold her for as long as she needed to be held._

Izzie fell asleep that night in his arms. No more tears had been shed.

The memory of that painful experience brought up a slew of emotions in _him_, so he couldn't imagine what watching Hannah was doing to Izzie. He turned in his swivel chair and picked up the phone receiver. He dialed the appropriate numbers and waited for the voice he so desperately wanted to hear.

Voicemail.

Again.

He sighed before leaving another message to add to all the others. "Iz, it's Derek." He thought about her crying. "I'm worried about you." He thought about how she doubted herself as a doctor. "Please call me." He knew for sure he loved her. "I need to know if you're okay." _I love you, Izzie. _"Bye."

He hung up the receiver feeling worse, if that were at all possible. He looked at the clock on the wall: Eight-forty five. A whole forty-five minutes had gone by and he had nothing to show for it. No contact with his girlfriend. No dent in the paperwork piling up on his cluttered desk. He tried to tackle the latter when he heard a short knock against his door. A blonde head peeking in, but not the blonde he was hoping for.

"Meredith," he greeted her in surprise. He hadn't really talked to her much these past three months. Hadn't really had much to say after they stopped having casual sex and he got involved with Izzie. He worked with her around the hospital, but even that was limited to professional dialogue. He swiveled in the chair to face her. "What are you doing here?"

Meredith walked inside and closed the door. She fidgeted on her feet, obviously deciding whether to sit or to stand to say whatever she had to say, before ultimately sitting down. She gave him a weird smile, something she usually did when she was uncomfortable, and clasped her hands together. The fell into her lap like a prim and proper schoolteacher's would.

"What's up?" Derek asked, feeling she really had something she needed to say.

"Okay," She scooted forward, unclasping her hands. "So, I've been wracking my brain today trying to figure something out. And, I've been driving Cristina up the wall about it; so I'm just going to ask you." Derek flashed an uncomfortable smile. He wondered if she knew about him and Izzie, then realized she probably wouldn't be this calm about her ex-boyfriend sleeping with her roommate. "Are you mad at me?"

It took him a moment to register that question. It wasn't what he expected. "What?"

"Are you mad at me?" she repeated, looking down slightly and picking with the cuff of her light blue shirt under her light blue scrubs. She looked back into his eyes, seeing his confusion and mistaking if for something else. "You are…"

"No," Derek clarified. An uneasy, breathy laugh escaped his parted lips. "Why would I be mad at you?"

"I called off the break-up sex," she answered.

"Yeah," Derek agreed. "Six months ago."

"Still… you've been distant since then. I mean, we haven't really had a conversation that isn't about surgeries in a long time."

"I'm not mad at you, Meredith," he assured her.

"Then why are you so distant?"

Derek wasn't sure how to answer that. How do you tell the woman you previously thought was the love of your life that you're falling in love with one of her closest friends? Looking into Meredith's eyes, Derek remembered everything about her that had made him fall for her. He remembered her drive, her tenacity, her loyalty. He remembered how fun she could be.

Then, he remembered why they didn't work. He remembered how they pushed each other away and how they played with each other's hearts… how careless both of them had been. Derek remembered the pain of losing her, and realized that even if he wasn't falling in love with Izzie, he just couldn't go back to that.

"Meredith," he said her name softly, looking at her as if she were a stranger. "We need to talk. I have something I have to tell you."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Izzie and George sat in the corner booth at Joe's bar. It wasn't a packed as it usually was, and for that Izzie was thankful. She didn't want a bunch of strangers seeing her fall apart at the seams. She was thankful George was there. Telling her things would be okay and making her laugh. Or at least trying to make her laugh. She wasn't exactly great company tonight.

"Iz, don't worry," George was telling her after her fifth beer. "Shepherd said the lesions weren't malignant. They were caused by the radiation treatments and are totally operable." He wrapped an arm around her shoulder and pulled her tight against him. "That kid of yours is a fighter. She's going to pull through."

Izzie nodded gently, wanting so much to believe him. She wanted to believe that her daughter would pull through. Wanted so much to believe that Derek could save her, and give Izzie the chance to get to know her better. Izzie wanted Hannah to know that she was her mother. Wanted her to know why she had given her up. Give them a chance to bond and connect as mother and daughter.

She wished for it with every fiber of her being.

Just like she wished Derek was standing at her side.

Izzie hadn't realized how much she loved him until today.

At first, it was because she couldn't imagine leaning on anyone else for this type of support. George and Miranda had been great; Miranda convincing the Chief to give Izzie the rest of the day off, and George covering Izzie's shift between periodically checking on her at home.

But, it would have been nice to know she had Derek's support. It would have helped her immensely to hold his hand. To feel some of the confidence from him that she lacked. To hear his voice as a whisper against the shell of her ear. To feel his big hands rubbing soothing circles on her back the way he did when she lost Tyler (the child patient) a month ago.

It was Derek who renewed her faith in herself. Derek who helped her confront and battle her fears. It was Derek who got her through, and she wished for him now more than ever. She missed him.

"What can I do?" George asked, his voice breaking through her thoughts. "I hate seeing you like this, Izzie." He looked sadly at her. "Tell me what I can do?"

"You can tell me that big secret you've been hiding," she said softly, not feeling any of the amusement she tried to emanate.

George chuckled softly and ran a hand over his short hair. "Um," He made a face. "Do you know Nurse Rose?"

Izzie thought for a moment. "Kind of tall, brunette, stacked?"She took a swig of beer.

"That would be the one," George replied with an exaggerated nod.

Izzie smirked. "Okay, what about her?"

George made a face and looked up at the ceiling. "Uh," he began. "She and I have kind of been… dancing around each other."

Izzie made a sound somewhere between a scoff and a laugh. "Dancing around each other?" George nodded, and took a swig of his own beer. "Okay," Izzie said. "What does that mean? Are you two going out?"

"Not… especially."

Izzie's eyes narrowed. "Are you having wild, monkey sex with the stacked nurse?" Her grin was toothy and bordering on amused.

"Maybe," George said without looking at her. Indeed, he looked like a teenager who'd just been caught having sex by their parents. "Is that okay?" He did look at her this time. His soulful eyes searching hers.

"Why are you asking me?" Izzie replied with a laugh. "You don't have to ask my permission to have sex, George."

"I know," he agreed. "It's just that, you and I broke up under the guise of 'not the right time'."

"So?"

"So what if my sleeping with Rose blocks our 'right time'?"

He looked so completely lovable when he said it that Izzie couldn't help but kiss him. She pulled away, placing her hands on top of his and looking him dead in the eyes while saying, "George, listen, if you and I are meant to happen, then we will. You can't hold off on a good relationship because you don't want to ruin another. You could be missing out on being with your soul mate because you're looking somewhere else."

"You're my soul mate," he assured her, and Izzie knew he wasn't joking.

She lightly caressed his cheek. "And I'll always be your best friend. I want you to be happy, George. If Rose makes you happy… then I'm all for it." She smiled brighter, looking down at her cell phone briefly before looking back to him. "Life is too fucking short to not take chances."

She waited a full thirty seconds before excusing herself ("I just need some air.") and stepping outside. The night air was chilly and made her think of the night she and Derek climbed onto the roof of his trailer and watched the night sky. The words she said to George were true. A good relationship should not be passed up.

She flipped open her cell phone and dialed Derek's number. It was nearly ten so she was sure he was probably home by now. He answered it on the first ring. "Hey," she said softly. She heard the screen door of the trailer slam shut after Derek replied. He'd dropped the phone or something, because she heard him talking and scuffling.

After that, she could have sworn she heard Meredith's voice in the background. She wasn't sure. This day had been so confusing and had taken a great toll on her.

She called back and left him a message. "Derek, hey, it's me. I think we got disconnected. Listen, I'm sorry about avoiding you all day. I know that wasn't fair, but, if you want to talk I can come to the trailer." She paused, unclear on what to say next. "I miss you," she said finally and hung up.

She turned to go inside and found George standing behind her. The surprise on her face was clearly reflected on George's. "George," she said breathlessly, feeling the redness rising in her cheeks. "How long have you been standing there?" _Please, say not long._

"Long enough to hear that you have a secret of your own," he replied. Izzie scoffed – sounding more like a wheeze – while looking everywhere but at him. George, however, was clear on what he'd heard. "Iz, are you involved with Derek?"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Derek was unclear on how much Izzie heard. He'd dropped the phone in sheer surprise at finding Meredith naked in his bed. He'd asked he what she was doing while trying to pick up his phone from the floor. He'd slammed it shut when Meredith replied, "I'm naked in your bed. What do you think I'm doing here?"

His phone buzzed, letting him know he had a waiting message.

One thing at a time.

"Meredith," his voice was surprisingly calm. "What are you doing?"

Meredith looked confused, an uneasy grin gracing her face. "Is that a rhetorical question?"

Derek shook his head, scooping up her clothes and handing them to her. "Didn't you hear me at the hospital?" he asked, turning around so she could get dressed. He heard her feet shuffling on the carpet. He could also feel her confusion coming off of her in waves.

"You said you wished things could go back to the way they were," she replied.

"I didn't mean this," he turned around just as she pulled her shirt down over her head. "I meant back to when we knew what we were about. Back to when things weren't so complicated. Sex will just complicate things… and…" He didn't think this was the best time to tell her about him and Izzie, but things were getting out of hand. He'd tried to at the hospital but he'd been paged.

Meredith wasn't listening to him. He knew this because she wasn't looking at him. Something on the bed had caught her attention. He looked over, just as she reached over and grabbed Izzie's blue satin nightgown, and felt like all the air had been sucked out of the room.

Meredith's eyes grew cold as she held up the slip of gown with her pinky finger. Her voice was even colder when she asked, "Is this what us having sex with complicate?" Derek didn't know how to respond, but he was sure his face said it all. "That's why you've been distant," she said, her voice _sounding_ distant to Derek's ears. "You've been sleeping with someone else."


	6. Chapter Five

**Author's Note:** I am so incredibly sorry for the delay. Sometimes, life just gets in the way of creativity (and everything else). Thanks so much to everyone who has read, reviewed, and made favorite the story. Your continuing support keeps me going. This chapter is short (only four pages) compared to the six-seven page chapters I've been churning out. It's short because, once again, I had to cut it in half. The next part, I feel, fits in better in a standalone chapter. Said next part should be along shortly. I've got a couple of days off from work (thanks to working a massive amount of overtime) so maybe I can post more frequently. I'm finally back on track with my outline so this story should wrap...soon. No worries, I'm already working on the outline for the next story in this series.

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**Chapter Five, Goodbye Love:**

Tension hung between Derek and Meredith like an ominous cloud. The blonde doctor looked at him with a mixture of emotions playing on her face. From embarrassment to a disdain she did not feel to complete and utter confusion. In all her thoughts of Derek today, was he avoiding her, mad at her, or whatever… the one thing that didn't enter her mind was him moving on. The thought that he was over her….

"Oh, God," she whispered, feeling nauseated. She closed her eyes, dropped the nightgown to the bed and touched her hand to her mouth. All of it came rushing back suddenly - his being distant, neither of them talking about their relationship (or lack thereof), her time in therapy hoping to work through her issues of commitment for _him_ - the past six months without him had descended upon her in a crushing wave. She opened her eyes and found him staring at her sadly. "You're over us," she said softly.

Derek didn't know exactly what to say. He saw the lines of pain etching across her face and felt like an ass. He did this to her. If he had only told her from the start that he was dating someone else, she wouldn't have spent the last six months thinking if she worked on her issues there would be hope for them.

"Meredith," he choked out her name. He shook his head, unable to verbally convey what was in his mind. "I didn't mean for you to find out this way." He sighed, his chest rising and falling rapidly. "I didn't think…"

"Didn't think what? That I deserved to know?" she asked, the bitterness in her voice coming through brilliantly. Her face darkened with animosity, a mixture of contempt and sorrow that took the sparkle out of her eyes. "That…." She inhaled sharply, her chest aching with a pain that wasn't only physical. "Oh, God… I tried!" she cried, actual tears falling slowly down her face. Derek could sense her anger, could feel her temper rising to a feverish pitch. "I tried to be better for _you_! I _wanted_ to be better for you!"

Derek lowered his eyes, his mind bringing forth memories he'd rather forget. He sighed, lowering his eyes to the floor before bringing them back to her face. She was –is – beautiful. A beautiful, talented, funny, and vibrant surgeon. But she didn't see that. She didn't see the good in herself, and Derek… was tired of trying to show her.

"You have to want that for yourself," he said softly. His blue-green eyes held a hint of sadness and regret. "Meredith, you have to want to be better for _you._ Not for anybody else. Not because you have this insane fear of not being able to live up to your mother's expectations of you, not because of your feelings for your father," Meredith began shaking her head; ready to dispute him, but the word never escaped her mouth. "You have to do it for you."

Meredith wiped at the tears rolling down her cheeks. She looked around the trailer, looking for other traces of the unknown woman, but actually just trying to avoid Derek's eyes. She couldn't look at him knowing he was right. She had a lot of issues that she needed to work on for herself… not for him.

She heard Derek sigh again before saying, "I don't want to be a crutch for you, Meredith," Her eyes still did not meet his. "I wanted to be the one you leaned on, the one you needed…"

"You are," she tried to assure him, stubbornly forcing herself to look at him. She could see that he was trying to believe her. "You are," she said again.

"But that's not fair to either of us. You need something I can't give you."

"What's that?" she asked, feeling her anger subsiding into a dull ache in the pit of her belly.

"Peace," he answered. "I can't fill the void that's in your heart, or the emptiness in your soul… you have to do that."

Another tear slipped down her cheeks, scorching her skin as if they were acid. Silently, with a great dignity she didn't feel, Meredith stalked past Derek out of the trailer. She didn't look at him when she passed him. Didn't utter a single sound.

Indeed, there were no words left to be spoken.

Derek lingered in the silence of his trailer after her car roared to life and sped away. He wondered how he didn't notice it on the far end of the clearing when he first arrived, but realized that his thoughts then, just as they were now, were solely focused on Izzie. He looked at the phone he'd dropped on the table and saw that Izzie had left him a message. The sound of her voice calmed the searing fire inside of him, but only served to make him more worried about her.

She'd tried to come across in her message as tired, but Derek could hear the underlying tones of despair and agony. Something weighed her down, something too painful for her to share right now.

He could accept that. She'd reached out to him, as she always did, when she was ready. That was all he could ask for.

He would wait for her to reach out again.

Derek quietly resolved to wait forever for Izzie if he had to.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

George took a swig of his drink. It was stronger than beer this time. The humble doctor feeling the need for a stiff drink after hearing Izzie's story about her and Derek's "relationship". He used the classification lightly, unable to see what Izzie and Derek had as anything but lustful loneliness. Even through the jealousy that clouded his eyes, he could see that whatever this was meant a great deal to Izzie. He could hear it in her voice, a soft billowy drawl that couldn't be drowned out by the alcohol. The realization hit him hard.

Izzie loved Derek.

"Do you love him?" George found himself asking, a twisting pang of jealousy wrestling his insides. He forced himself to look into her eyes, hoping to see something in them. Something that proved the nagging feeling wrong.

Izzie looked away briefly, and that was all he needed to know the truth.

He sighed heavily, pushing the toxic air in his lungs out in violent force. He couldn't help feeling upset about this. The fact that he and Izzie had broken up months ago (mutually) didn't factor into his jealousy. This was Izzie. _His_ Izzie. The woman he left his wife for. His best friend. His soul-mate. George was a little more than upset with Derek for swooping in and taking advantage of Izzie's loneliness to combat his own.

The young doctor was certain that was what happened, even though Izzie told him that it happened suddenly. George couldn't help but think that (much as Izzie had done up until two days ago) that Derek was just using her until Meredith wanted him back.

"George," Izzie spoke cautiously. "I can hear you chewing down your anger." His eyes met hers in a hurry. She drank the rest of her beer. "Say it."

George sat silently, swirling the contents of his glass, the dark liquid sloshing against the sides and the few remaining cubes of ice. He weighed the outcome of saying what was really on his mind: that Derek was just using her. That Meredith would be heartbroken if she ever found out. That this couldn't possibly be the great love Izzie had been searching for all of her adult life.

"I don't see this ending well," he said softly, avoiding her eyes as if they were full of palpable fire.

"Who says it's going to end?" Izzie questioned, her tone jovial but teetering on serious.

George met her gaze, seeing the determination in her eyes and reciprocating in his own. "You're honestly going to sit there and tell me you think Derek Shepherd loves you."

Izzie shook her head. "No." She pursed her lips together into a think pink line. "I'm telling you that this is what I want."

George leveled her with a proper stare of annoyance. "Iz, you can't really think this is a good thing? Meredith…"

"Is not the reason he sought me out," she clarified, touching on his earlier thought. If it was someone other than her, George would have felt creeped out at them practically reading his thoughts. "We just fell together, George. Neither of us planned this."

"I don't think that's going to be any kind of consolation to Meredith when she finds out. Nor do I think it will be one for you when he breaks your heart."

It was Izzie's turn to be annoyed. "George," she chastised. Then, sighed heavily. She could sense and understand his worry. She knew he only had her best interest at heart. "I won't say that Derek won't break my heart. I can't say that… not with everything that's happened." She grabbed his hand, pleased when he didn't pull it away. "But I know that this is what I want. And because this is what I want, I'm going to tell him about Hannah. I'm going to let him in completely and I'll deal with whatever ramifications our relationship presents. And if I have to, I'll take the heartache later on because I'll remember these past few months with him have been some of the best times I ever had." Her blue eyes peered deeply into his, almost as if they were daggers used to penetrate his soul. "He's good to me. He's good _for_ me. He sees my flaws and accepts them."

She brought his hand to her lips and kissed it gently. The feel of her hot breath upon his skin sent a shiver down his spine.

"You're my soul-mate, George, and my best friend. I love you in a way I will never love anyone else. You hold a place in my heart that no one else can touch, not even Derek, and I'll always need you, George. Always."

The nagging feeling in his gut had subsided, leaving a dull ache that the remaining alcohol would numb. He would crawl into his bed in the late hours and berate himself for asking this question twice, but he had to hear it from her.

"You love him?"

"Yes," Izzie answered this time without hesitation.

George could feel his resolve lessening with every passing second. His best friend was sitting next to him, telling him she loved another man, while silently (pleadingly) asking for his support. He took her hand in his, his fingers entwining with her (He swallowed the urge to pull her into a tight hug). He kissed her hand gently, the same way she'd kissed his. Then, with a heavy heart, kissed her lips just as softly.

He remembered her words not more than twenty minutes prior: _"George, listen, if you and I are meant to happen, then we will. You can't hold off on a good relationship because you don't want to ruin another…"_ He had a good thing with Rose. Something that could be better if he would just let go of the past. Of the fact that he and Izzie didn't work on a romantic level. Like she said, _if they were meant to be…_

His lingering kiss said the goodbye his heart was reluctant to say, that his mouth could never say. He pulled away, knowing she sensed it, and gave her a small smile. "You should tell Derek how you feel about him." He kissed her hand again and stood so she could leave.

Izzie hugged him gratefully, kissing his cheek with a smacking _pop_, and making a beeline for the door. George slumped down into the booth seat and watched her go. Rose came in a second later and met his gaze. She smiled sweetly to him before heading toward the bar.

_Goodbye, Izzie_, he thought feeling the aching in his heart, but not running away from the pain, before heading to the bar to sit with Rose.


	7. Chapter Six

**Author's Note:** I am so incredibly sorry for the delay. I've had to deal with some life-changing events recently and… you know how life gets in the way. I want to thank everyone for their patience. I had to cut a certain Der/Izzie scene in this. It seemed… out of place. No worries, it'll be in the next chapter. I'm not sure if Izzie's past was discussed on the show in depth, so I created my own. I hope it makes sense. 0_O

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**Chapter Six, With Arms Wide Open:**

The night air had taken a chill. The stars above twinkled like diamonds against the darkened sky, and a soft breeze with just the tiniest smell of rain swept across the clearing. Derek stretched out on a blanket atop the trailer's roof thinking… and waiting.

He's spent the past thirty minutes outside hoping to hear Izzie's jeep trudging along the path. The blonde doctor consumed his thoughts, much as they had done throughout the day, but the thoughts of what just transpired with Meredith niggled at him as well.

He'd never meant to hurt her, but that'd turned out to be just what he'd done. Derek knew he'd never forget the look in Meredith's eyes when she realized that he'd moved on with – no, that he'd _fallen in love_ with someone else.

He sighed to himself, thinking the biggest challenge was yet to come. Izzie was right to fear Meredith finding out it was her that Derek was in love with… but it was an obstacle he would face because he wanted her. He wanted to wake up with her in his arms after having made love all night. He wanted to walk through the doors of Seattle Grace with her, kiss her, and proceed to save lives with her. He wanted to come home and cook dinner and talk about anything and everything for hours and hours because he never tired of her company. He never tired of showing her what she meant to him, be it by his touch or the words from his mouth. He never tired of hearing _her_ talk to _him_…and she could talk a lot. Even when they argued, Derek was secure in the knowledge that it was only passing. They might be angry with one another, but not angry enough to throw away what they've built together.

"I love you, Izzie," he said aloud to the sky. Closing his eyes tightly, he wished with all his heart he could say that to her face.

Silence abounded around him for a mere moment before he heard the familiar roar of her jeep. It crept slowly along the dirt path until in came to rest next to his on the clearing. Derek sat upright, watching as she climbed out of the jeep, her porcelain skin looked pale against the moonlight, and he could tell she'd been crying.

"Derek?" Izzie called, looking up to where he was sitting.

She looked beautiful to him, standing there like that. The light from the moon cast a silvery glow on her face and hair, seeming to illuminate her in an otherworldly fashion. She looked like a goddess come to earth, and Derek felt strangely unworthy of her.

"What are you doing up there?" she asked, wiping away the droplets of rain that had begun to fall steadily.

Derek was unsure of how to answer, so he went with the truth. "Praying for you," he told her. He didn't appear the least bit embarrassed or ashamed. He slid down off the trailer, eager to pull her into his arms and hug her tightly, but when he turned to face her, he noticed the tears steadily falling down her face. "Iz…" He reached out tentatively and touched her cheek, wiping away the tears. "What's wrong?"

Izzie tried to compose herself, wondering why all of a sudden she feared telling him about Hannah. Feared that he wouldn't understand her choices. _"How can a mother give up her child," _she imagined him saying while looking at her with scorn. Shortly thereafter he would end their relationship and beg Meredith's forgiveness.

She'd been fine on the drive up; but the closer she'd gotten to the trailer, the tighter her fears gripped her. Despite her protests to the contrary a few days ago, she didn't want to lose Derek. He was the best thing that ever happened to her, and if she allowed herself, she could picture a future with him. Sure, he was forty-one and she a mere twenty-nine, but their ages didn't seem to matter when they were together. He'd lived a lifetime before he met her, but he wanted to be with _her_, teach her, and share his experiences with her.

"Babe, if this is about Meredith being here earlier," he started, his guilty conscience pestering him. He stepped closer. "Nothing happened…" he continued but she cut him off.

"It's not," she replied while shaking her head. "It's not about Meredith," she added after a moment, staring deeply into his eyes.

The rain began to fall harder now, pounding the dirt…and them as they continued to stand outside. Derek felt his heart rate increasing the longer she remained quiet. He wanted to know what bothered her so much, but if they stayed outside any longer, he knew they'd both get sick.

"Izzie, come inside with me," he told her, holding out his hand. She stared at him blankly, as if she wasn't there. "Iz, you're scaring me."

"I'm sorry," she whispered. Her salty tears mixed with the salty rain, trailing hot streaks down her cheeks. She ran a wet hand through her rain soaked hair, and pulled the black jacket tighter around her body. "I…" a soft sob escaped. "I'm going to lose you."

"No, you're not," Derek told her softly. "I'm not going anywhere. I love you, Izzie," he told her adamantly. "I love you."

"You won't after what I tell you."

He didn't respond to that. Instead, he held out his hand again. "Come inside with me, babe."

"She's mine," Izzie whispered so softly she barely heard herself. She looked up into Derek's eyes and saw his obvious confusion. She closed her eyes tightly, and steeled herself. "Hannah Klein," she amended while opening her eyes. "She's my daughter."

Silence hung between them like the ominous clouds in the sky. Lightning crackled overhead and a moment later thunder roared. Izzie's tears feel harder but she never tore her eyes from Derek's stunned face. The scorn and disgust she expected to come to his face any moment kept her waiting with baited breath. She could feel her heart thundering against her chest.

"Say something," she begged of him. "Please…."

Derek didn't know what to say to her. She seemed to be bracing herself for some kind of angry outcry from him. That hurt him more than she could ever know. How could she think he would turn his back on her when she needed him the most? He loved her… he was in love with her…

Her fears were evident on her face. She was expecting him to leave her.

So he met her fears with defiance. "I love you, Isobel Stevens," he said while holding out his hand to her again. "Please come inside with me…"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"Thanks," Izzie said when Derek handed her a cup of tea. She cradled it between her small hands while sitting cross-legged on his bed wearing nothing but his Bowdoin College tee-shirt. She sipped the hot tea gingerly, inwardly thinking how stupid it was to just stand outside in the pouring rain.

Derek had been obstinate about them warming up before any type of discussion took place. _"You're a surgeon, Izzie; you can't afford to be sick." _He'd made it clear that nothing sexual would take place and offered the shower to her first. _"While I'm in… you can gather your thoughts." _She couldn't believe he was being so understanding.

He didn't say a word though, not even while fixing the tea after he came out of the shower and found her wrapped up in the quilt on his bed. He thought she was asleep at first, and he was so happy that she was okay, that he wasn't going to bother her. Instead, she sat upright, peeled the covers back, and remained quiet until he poured himself a cup of tea and sat down on the bed in front of her.

"You must have questions," she said softly while looking down into her tea cup like it held the secrets of the universe. She didn't give him a chance to ask anything. "Why are you being so understanding?"

Derek looked utterly confused. "Why wouldn't I be? Your daughter is ill."

Izzie closed her eyes and breathed deeply, inadvertently taking in the scent of the soap on his bare skin. She opened her eyes when she remembered they were partly naked – she in a tee-shirt and him in nothing but boxers – and wished that they weren't so intimate.

"Why aren't you angry that I didn't tell you about her?" Izzie forced those exact words to come out of her mouth. "Why aren't you hurt? We're in a relationship… you leased an apartment…"

"Because you must have had your reasons. I can't presume to know what they are, but I know you would never intentionally hurt me, Iz."

"Stop it!" she cried. "Stop being so fucking understanding! I have a thirteen year old daughter, Derek!" Angry tears poured down her face. "I have a thirteen year old daughter who is quite possibly dying…" The severity of her words cut here, even as she meant to cut him. "She could be dying…"

In a fluid motion, Derek placed his mug on the floor and hers on the nightstand beside the bed. He waited a moment, scared to touch her, before deciding to hell with it and wrapping her in his arms. It scared him more than anything ever had to watch his blonde goddess crumble in his arms. She sobbed uncontrollably on his shoulder for more than a minute, wrapping her arms around his torso and holding on as if she were clinging for dear life. For his part, Derek held her close, pulling her tighter against him in response of every salty tear he felt hit his bare skin.

"I'm so sorry, Derek." Izzie pulled away and wiped at her eyes. "I didn't mean to go off n you like that." She looked up to see the concern etching across his face. He tried a small smile and brushed a strand of her golden hair out of her face.

"It's okay," Derek said softly. He dropped his hand to her knee, rubbing her skin softly. "It's okay."

Clearing her throat, Izzie decided now would be as good a time as any to tell him her story. "When I was… fifteen, I started working at this diner. My mom was always blowing her paycheck on the calls she made to her psychic friends… so… I got a job to help out." Derek's face remained passive, but Izzie felt the need to further clarify. "Don't get me wrong, she was a good mother… loving and supportive. Fun. She just…" she shrugged, unable to find the proper words. "Anyway…the job was okay. After a few months of working there, the diner owner's son Trent came back from college." A warm smile crept across her reddened lips. "He was… so handsome. Blond, blue eyes, and a killer smile… he could have any girl he wanted. And he wanted me."

She reached around to grab her mug, Derek's hands falling away from her body, and drank a sip of her tea. Derek remained quiet, giving his beloved time to calm herself. This was her story to tell, a story that was obviously painful, obviously hadn't been told to anyone else, and she was telling him. That was not lost on him.

She turned to face him again. "We started seeing each other in secret. He was eighteen, but I was fifteen and… people talk." She smiled again at a memory. "He used to tell me that I was too beautiful and too special for a trailer park. That I had too much going for me to be working in some diner. He was going to take me away from all of that one day…" The memory turned bitter and her expression soured.

"What happened?" Derek found himself asking. His throat felt constricted, like he hadn't had water for days. When Izzie's miserable gaze met him, the feeling doubled.

"I got pregnant," she scoffed and rolled her eyes, showing some of the bitterness she felt. "I was fifteen; I didn't know what the hell I was going to do…" Her voice trailed off, as if she were lost in the memories.

"He wanted you to get rid of it?" Derek asked carefully.

Izzie looked up at him, looking at him for a long moment, almost as if she didn't remember he was sitting there. Then said, "No," she laughed lightly. "He wanted me to marry him and have the baby. Wanted us to raise the baby as a family." She felt so stupid saying that. So stupid for revealing that the boy who'd gotten her pregnant was a good man. He didn't desert or abandon her. He wanted to do the right thing. "I was so selfish…" The tears started again. "I mean, I was fifteen. I didn't want to get married or have anybody's baby right then. I had dreams of my own…" Derek looked at her with such love and understanding that she could barely carry on. "Trent was a good guy. A stand up guy and he wanted to do the right thing… but I… I knew that I couldn't be his wife and a mother to our baby. I knew that if I did, I could have kissed my dream of being a surgeon goodbye." With great strength, Izzie held her head up high for this part. "So, at sixteen, I had a beautiful baby girl… I named her Sarah… and I gave her up."

An ominous silence hung between the lovers for what seemed like an eternity. Izzie seemingly mixed up as the pain of the past caught up in the present, and Derek unsure of how to comfort her. The blonde doctor mistook his silence for quiet anger.

"Look, Derek, if this – all of this with my past and with Hannah here - is too much, we can…"

Derek stopped her words with a finger to her lips. He lightly traced the outline of her mouth with his finger. "If you're about to say I can have an easy out, forget it. I've already told you that I'm not going anywhere."

"But…"

"No, Izzie, I meant it… what I said outside. I love you. I'm in love with you, and because of that, I'm going to stand with you through whatever. Especially right now."

Closing her eyes, she flung herself into his arms. Derek could tell she felt the weight of the world lifted off her shoulders. He was glad he'd said the right thing.

She tensed a little in his arms and pulled back. "How bad is she?" she asked, and Derek could see in her eyes that she needed to know.

"It's not too bad," he said carefully. "But it's nothing I won't take care of. She's going to make it. I promise"

Izzie nodded, willing to accept that for now. Still, something bothered her. "I know you have questions…" she touched his face. "Ask."

Derek shook his head. Yes, he had questions. Yes, he wanted them to delve deeper into their pasts and shed their fears and everything else, but he just couldn't bring himself to do that right now. It took a lot for her to open up about her past and it touched him deeply. But he just couldn't ask her to relive anything else after the day she's had.

Instead, he kissed her gently on the lips, hoping to show everything he felt through his kiss.

He wanted to help heal her right now.

Everything else would wait.


	8. Chapter Seven

**Author's Note:** I am so, so sorry for the delay of this chapter. I've had half of this chapter done for over a month. Also sorry that it's so short...never thought I'd consider three pages short o_O. I wanted a little Der/Izzie serenity before stuff hits the fan with Meredith/Hannah and everything else I have planned for this story. There will be a sequel because I'm quite obsessed with this pairing. A very special thanks to **pepper-maroon** for her continued interest in the story and urging me to continue when I felt that I'd lost my way.

**Chapter Seven, Better than Best:**

Everything was quiet save for the sounds of nature outside the trailer and Izzie's breath against his ear. Even though Derek was asleep, he could hear Izzie as she lay on the pillow next to him. At first, he found it odd that he was so in tune with his girlfriend's breathing patterns, especially when he was asleep, but he found over time that Izzie's breathing would lull him into a peaceful sleep. The steady rise and fall of her breath had a certain effect on him, and as creepy as it seemed, he knew whether she was having a pleasant dream or a nightmare just by her breathing.

This breathing was ragged… almost… passionate.

Derek's dark eyes fluttered opened when a wave of pleasure coursed through him. Izzie was on top of him, surrounding him, her body rising and falling in time. Her eyes were an electric shade of blue when they locked with his. Words escaped his mind but none slipped past his lips. Her long blond hair was falling down around her face and shoulders and her naked skin was illuminated by the moonlight coming through the window. The sight of her like that made Derek feel like he was strangely unworthy of her.

His hands found her waist and his hips rose to match the rhythm she set.

"Derek," she cried out his name, her head falling back, and her body arching as she brought them both to climax. When it was over, her body slick with sweat and falling down to his, Izzie looked up at him with her eyes still that electric shade of blue and he kissed her. A hard, passionate kiss that was intended to express the words his mouth could not say.

A few minutes later, they lay together happily wrapped around each other. Izzie's head rested on Derek's bare chest, her hands tracing soft circles in the hair there. Derek's own fingers ran through her blonde locks while his other hand caressed the hand she laid on his chest.

He chuckled deeply and she felt it rumble against her cheek. "What," she asked sleepily, draping her leg over his.

"Nothing," he told her. She looked up at him disbelieving and his smiled at her warmly. "It's nothing, really. I was just dreaming about you," he said. Her eyes met his with interest. "And then to wake up with you…" he trailed off and she smiled.

"Were we having sex in your dream?" she asked, her eyebrows drawn up in amused interest. When Derek's eyes drifted away and a sleepy smile crossed his lips, Izzie laughed. "It was a bit easier to turn you on this time while you were sleeping."

His eyes snapped to her quickly. "You've had sex with me while I was sleeping before?"

Izzie shrugged playfully, refusing to answer and Derek quickly turned over, covered her body with his, and set out to find the most ticklish points on her body –- it helped that he already knew them anyway. Izzie's laughter filled the room, as much as it filled his heart.

"Stop! Stop!" she cried, tears from laughter pouring out of her blue eyes. Derek looked down at her – this incredibly beautiful and equally talented doctor and he realized he could not love her more if he tried. Derek couldn't remember a time when he'd been this happy. Yes, he loved Addison and Meredith with all of his heart during his time with them, but with Izzie, it was different. He could not yet explain how, but he could feel it, and that was enough.

When he caressed her face lightly, Izzie felt a tingle at the base of her spine. The warmth that seemed to radiate from her – caused by him – was what she was trying to explain to George earlier. She couldn't yet put it into words; she just knew it was what she'd searched for all of her life.

"I love you," she told him firmly, blue eyes staring straight up at him.

For a split second, Derek's mind got the better of him. The part of his brain that has been conditioned to hearing the words 'I love you, but…,' had taken over and he thought briefly if she were only saying that because he said it first, or because she was going to break up with him. Yet, when she smiled at him in that soft way, he knew she meant it. He knew then she was saying it because she felt it.

She leaned up and kissed him then – reminding him of the time she did that in the hospital on-call room their first night together. That had been one of the greatest nights of his life… simply because it led him to this night.

"I love you, too, Iz," he replied with a smile and set out to make love to her again.

* * *

Later, they lay together again completely sated and entwined. A comfortable silence lulling them into tranquility, but Izzie couldn't fall asleep. She could tell from his breathing that Derek was dozing, and part of her didn't want to disturb him. Part of her wanted to bottle this moment and keep it with her always, but the other part of her wanted to know about Meredith.

"Der?" she called him and knew he was close to sleep when his response came out as an 'mmm' against the top of her head. She thought the better of bringing up Meredith when he was so peaceful. It didn't matter right now, anyway. Breathing in deeply, she wrapped her arms tighter around his waist and squeezed. "Nothing," she whispered and placed a soft kiss on his chest. "Go to sleep."

Izzie closed her eyes and was intent to fall asleep when she heard him say, "She realized it's over." Izzie's eyes popped open and she slowly raised her head to meet his eyes. He always had this way of reading her mind. "She showed up here after I tried to talk to her in my office this afternoon and told her I wished things could go back to the way they used to be…and she found your nightgown (Izzie felt her heart start to thunder in her chest) -- she didn't know it was yours -- and we had a fight and she realized it's over between us."

He was looking up at her with an expression she couldn't quite place. It took her a minute to realize that it was happiness. Still, she found herself asking, "How do you feel about that?"

Knowing her question for what it was, Derek smiled softly. "It's a good thing she knows the truth. She doesn't know about us -- yet," he said; Izzie nodded acceptingly. "but… it's good she knows that I want off this ride….so to speak." He ran a hand across her face. "I know you've had some doubts about…us…"

"No," she interjected, met his skeptical gaze, and nodded. "…yeah," she admitted softly. Shrugging, "I just…I know what the two of you went through together and I know what she meant in your life." She smiled sheepishly. "That's hard to let go of sometimes."

Derek realized then she wasn't just speaking of his relationship with Meredith but her relationship with George. "Yes, it is," he agreed. "But sometimes you have to know when to let go and move on." Smiling he added, "And when you realize you're in love with someone else… it's time to let go."

Izzie didn't think she'd ever get tired of hearing him say that. Sometimes, she couldn't believe all of this had happened. She couldn't believe that this incredible, amazingly talented man wanted her. She couldn't imagine what she had done to deserve a second chance at love, but she would take it for as long as it was offered.

Smiling her own little smile, Izzie leaned forward and kissed his lips soundly. "You know, Dr. Shepherd, you're better than best."

"I'm glad you think so, Dr. Stevens," Derek replied as Izzie's lips hovered above his. "because you're the reason I am."


	9. Chapter Eight

**Author's Note:** So sorry for the delay of this chapter. My laptop decided it wanted a permanent rest and crashed, I went on vacation, then I couldn't figure out certain semantic of the story. I have to admit straightforward that I'm not _thrilled_ with this chapter. There was more to the last scene that I wanted to add but I think is better suited for a later chapter and now the scene feels off-balance...somehow. Seeing as how this is the third time I've rewritten this chapter, I fear this is as good as it will get. Many thanks to anyone who is still reading this story even though I have been very lax in posting. The end is coming soon, but don't worry, I still have a few more chapters left to go in this story and there is a sequel in the works. Happy reading!

**Chapter Eight, For the Wicked:**

Cristina Yang really hated getting involved in romantic affairs. Particularly the romantic affairs of Meredith. Not only because Meredith was her best friend and she hated seeing the other woman in pain, but because more often than not, Meredith refused to see the warning signs right in front of her face.

She refuses to accept the fact that _some_ things are not meant to work out. Refuses to accept that _some_ things should be over. And instead of working through her issues, she's more than content to find a quick fix. Cristina's usual quick fix was alcohol, Meredith's way was more destructive - more _male._

Cristina could recognize such signs because she utilizes them often enough. But even she is willing to admit the truth..._sometimes_.

"I have to go," Meredith muttered for the tenth time and stormed out of the locker room. Cristina didn't follow, knowing her friend's mood well enough to know that she needed to be left alone. Finding out that her precious _McDreamy_ was sleeping with someone else was a crushing blow. She would imagine that if she and Owen broke up and he fell in love with another woman (after a three year push-pull dance with her, where he was determined to make her his wife and the mother of his two-point-five kids) she wouldn't take it so well either.

Thinking about how _she_ would feel made her wish harder than Meredith didn't do anything destructive.

It was a horrible predicament Cristina Yang found herself in. Torn between telling her best friend the truth and keeping it a secret. Derek wasn't just _sleeping_ with someone else - he was_ in love _with someone else. It was information she really didn't want to know - _at all_. And the way she happened upon it was still disturbing to her.

The door swung open and the object of her thoughts walked inside looking almost as miserable as Meredith. Cristina held her tongue for thirty seconds longer than she thought she could. Part of her was angry and wanted to rip the other occupant of the room to shreds for hurting Meredith.

But there was another part of her that understood, another part of her that was glad, because maybe now Meredith would be able to move on completely.

Derek wasn't fully in love with Addison or with anyone else he tried dating after he and Meredith had broken up countless times. He'd always given her friend hope, always hung around trying to be the knight in shining armor, and tried to be the one thing Meredith could cling to when the world started to spin out of control.

Derek's made it clear that he was no longer going to be any of those things in Meredith's life.

He's made it clear that was completely and totally in love with...

"Izzie?" Cristina called her softly, grabbing her attention. The blonde looked over at her, and whatever anger Cristina felt slid away. She'd lost the nerve to say anything to her about Meredith. Lost the nerve to tell her she knew about her relationship with Derek (that if they wanted to truly hide they shouldn't have sex in the on-call room as often as they do), but the words died away.

Cristina stood, pulling a face and waving her hand dismissively. "Nothing. It's nothing." She headed for the door. "Bailey's looking for you."

Izzie nodded and gave a tight smile before turning to get changed. Cristina walked out of the room without looking back.

She really hated getting involved in romantic affairs.

* * *

The first face Izzie saw when she set foot onto the surgical floor was George's. He stood outside the door to Hannah's room watching Derek and Bailey intently. His eyes softened when he met izzie's glance.

"Hey," he said softly. Without thinking, or even realizing what he was doing, he grabbed her hand and held it tightly in his. Their interlocking fingers provided Izzie with some comfort as she stood an outsider watching as the man she loved checked on her daughter.

She could see Hannah's eyes shining brightly up at Derek as the neurosurgeon attempted to mix humor in while he checked her out. The genuine smile on both of their faces warmed Izzie's heart, and she realized she was glad she'd told Derek the truth. Had she not, she wouldn't have been able to appreciate the sight before her eyes. She wouldn't have been able to properly devote all of her attention to Hannah.

"She's been good so far," George informed her. "No seizures and her blood platelet count is up. Shepherd..." she noticed there was no harshness in his voice at the mention of Derek. "...is going over her latest test results right now."

He squeezed Izzie's hand and gave her a reassuring look.

"Looks promising, Iz," he told her and turned his attention back to the room.

The two friends stood together, hands still interlocked, outside her daughter's room watching quietly. When Derek noticed Izzie outside the door, he gave her a small reassuring smile. It was all the communication they could have right now, but it was just what she needed.

Miranda came out to talk to them a few minutes later. George took a moment to step inside the room, leaving the two women to discuss Hannah's progress. Izzie's eyes flicked to Hannah then down to Miranda. Even though George had given her a good prognosis, she steeled herself for whatever Miranda was going to say.

Immense amounts of time seemed to tick by as Izzie waited with baited breath.

"Okay," Izzie began in that nervous kind of way. The corners of her mouth twitched nervously as well. "Whatever you have to say...just say it."

"She's asking for you," Miranda said, and Izzie simply stared back at her blankly.

"What?"

"Hannah..." the short surgeon clarified. "...is asking for you."

It took a few seconds for Izzie to register the words, but when she did, her eyes flicked back to Hannah who was now being entertained by George.

"Seriously?" she asked with tears in her eyes. She looked down at Miranda with disbelief in her cerulean orbs.

Miranda nodded and gave a watery smile. "Seriously."

Somehow, Izzie found the ability to walk - not run - inside the room. She transfixed a pleasant smile on her face for Hannah who smiled back warmly. The young girl in the bed seemed to liven up with Izzie in the room.

"Hi, Izzie!" Hannah greeted cheerily. An act that further proved to George she was indeed Izzie's child.

"Hi, Hannah!" The Kleins stepped out of the way to allow Izzie to walk up to the other side of Hannah's bed. She touched the teddy bear Hannah held in her tiny arms. "I see Mr. Pix is keeping these doctors in line." She looked up at Derek and George who smiled at her. "How are you feeling, sweetie?"

Hannah started chattering away with as much enthusiasm as her young body could muster. Izzie noted how she didn't seem afraid of the surgery to remove the minuscule tumor Derek's test found. Izzie supposed after going through radiation treatments, very little scared Hannah anymore. She wasn't quite sure how she felt about that, but knew every adult in the room was scared even if Hannah wasn't.

Hannah chatted away with Izzie and George while Miranda and Derek explained precisely what the surgery would entail to Hannah's parents. When Hannah grew tired, Izzie and George waited outside again until Derek and Miranda left the little family alone.

"Uh, O'Malley, why don't you come with me and we'll reserve an operating room," Miranda suggested, knowing only that Izzie wanted to know what was happening to her child, but not the fact that Derek was aware Hannah was Izzie's daughter - or having any details of the two doctor's relationship.

With a gentle look to Izzie and a not-so-gentle look tossed in Derek's direction, George started down the corridor with Miranda. Derek watched as they headed down the hall before turning his gaze back to his beloved.

He'd wanted to reach out and console her through this entire ordeal. To be the one she leaned on instead of George, but that didn't stop him from being grateful Izzie _had_ George. He knew George was only being protective of Izzie.

"What are her chances?" Izzie asked quietly.

In her eyes, Derek could see the need for a simple, straightforward 'remember-I'm-a-doctor' answer.

"Her chances are good," he told her. "The tumor is relatively small, barely the size of a nickel. I'll remove that, and some of the damaged tissue. Her brain will do the rest." He touched Izzie's shoulder. "She's young, and despite the leukemia and radiation treatments, she's relatively healthy. I don't foresee any complications."

Nodding, Izzie let the stinging tears fall from her eyes. "Bailey's going to assist you?"

Derek nodded. "Hannah deserves the best and I didn't think O'Malley would want to operate on someone he practically considers his niece." He stepped closer, dropping his hand down her arm to grab her hand. "Besides, he's going to want to be with you through this." He tried a smile, tilting her chin up so she could look in his eyes. "Maybe he can stand in for me, hold your hand through this because I can't."

Izzie smiled through her tears and Derek thumbed them away. So lost in their moment, neither of them noticed Meredith marching up the hall towards them. They had been engrossed in their discussion about Hannah that they failed to notice her standing at the end of the corridor watching the entire scene.

It wasn't until the irate doctor was less than a foot away did either of them notice her. "What the hell is going on here?" she demanded to know. Her eyes darted back and forth between them. Pleased that Izzie had the courtesy to look guilty and pull away."The two of you are sleeping together," she accused loudly, grabbing looks from almost everyone in the long corridor.

"Meredith... calm down," Derek demanded in a quiet voice. Izzie wished she could shrink away.

"You're sleeping with Izzie and you want me to calm down?" she asked incredulously. She turned to Izzie. "How could you do this to me?"

"Mer..." was the only syllable Izzie could get out before Meredith's palm slammed across her cheek.

"Meredith!" Derek scolded.

"How could _you_ do this to _me_?" she asked again, ignoring him. "I took you into _my home_!"

Holding her palm to her face, Izzie bit back her anger. "Look, I know you're upset with me, and you have every right to be, but can we discuss this somewhere else." She really had no desire to argue with the woman in front of her daughter's hospital room.

"No, we can discuss it right here. We can discuss you being a two-timing whore right here!"

Aware that all eyes were on her, Izzie tried to diffuse the situation as best she could. "I know I owe you an explanation, and I swear I _never_ meant for any of this to happen, but not-right-here." Her eyes darted through the glass to see Hannah still sleeping, but the Kleins looking out into the hallway sheepishly.

"Did he tell you that you were_ special_?" Meredith asked. "Did he say that he could see a future with you? That he loved you in a way that he didn't love anyone else?" Her heated gaze flickered to Derek. "Hmm? Did you tell her that you were in love with her and that she had strength she didn't even know she had?" She looked back at Izzie. "He said the_ same thing_ to me...right before he left me for Addison." Shaking her head, she saw the Chief coming up the hall. "You disgust me."

"What's going on here?" the Chief asked, looking between the three surgeons.

"Tell him, Derek. Tell him how you and Izzie have been sleeping together behind my back!"

"Oh, it's not like that and you know it!" Izzie declared with sudden anger. She was surprised Derek had yet to defend himself or their relationship. Truly, she questioned why he hadn't.

"Enough!" the chief bellowed. "I don't care what is going on in your personal lives but you keep it off my surgical floor - in fact you keep it out of my damn hospital period, you understand me?" The three remained quiet. "Do-you-_understand_-me?" the older doctor asked again, anger dripping from every syllable.

"Yes," the three of them resounded together.

Richard looked between them all again. Then to the staff on the floor who made a show of going back to their duties. "Grey, with me," he said and turned to walk back down the corridor. Meredith having enough sense to follow.

Closing her eyes, Izzie counted to ten and hoped some of the embarrassment would die away. Meredith had played on her greatest fear. Derek had said all of those things to her. He'd made her feel like she had strength when she didn't. Made her feel like they could have a future outside of the sexual relationship they started three months ago. He'd made her feel special and loved and she imagined that he'd made Meredith feel the same. She didn't begrudge that. Hell, she had loved other men before him.

What she hated was the fact that he himself didn't chime in and defend their relationship. He didn't chime in and tell Meredith that while he may have said all of those things, that he meant them as far as Izzie was concerned. That he wasn't with her because he couldn't have Meredith but because he wanted to be with her.

She hated the way Meredith played on her fear of being second best - third in this case. She hated that Derek didn't set her straight. She hated thinking that maybe Meredith was right.

Opening her eyes, she'd regained some of her dignity. Derek stood there staring at her with sorrowful eyes. She'd resolved not to get angry with him. That Meredith was just blowing off steam and had every right to be mad with them. And maybe her anger was misplaced but right now, it was all she had.

"Izzie," Derek tried to console her but she pulled away.

"No, Derek," she stepped out of his reach. "I just..." she fought the tears as hard as she could. "I can't do this right now. I'm sorry." She looked into Hannah's room once more before walking off amid the whispers of her colleagues.


	10. Chapter Nine

**Author's** **Note:** I know, I know...I should be ashamed of myself. It's been over a year (almost 2) since I've updated this story. Life...really got in the way. And...I'd lost my inspiration. Did I mention that life _REALLY_ got in the way? Anyway, this isn't _at all_ how I thought this chapter would turn out. It feels...choppy and emotional. Which, at this point in the story, I guess is what I'm going for. Seems I'm putting myself into my writing again. I'd like to give a very big shout out and an even bigger THANK YOU to **Pepper-Maroon.** You, my friend, are the reason this update happened. I hope you enjoy it. If not, please don't tell me. I'm a fickle creature. ;p

* * *

**Chapter Nine, I've Lost Myself:**

"Yeah, that's a problem," Mark said thoughtfully.

His voice and eyes were surprisingly sensitive. In fact, his whole demeanor had changed from roguish sex-crazed doctor to caring best friend in a matter of seconds. He'd rushed to Derek's office after overhearing a few of the nurses at the hub talking about the fight Derek, Izzie and Meredith had on the surgical floor.

The moment he'd come in and saw Derek's face - so full of dejection and self-loathing - Mark immediately reverted back to being that boy who helped his best friend after his father died.

It's funny how even after everything they've gone through, all the hurt and the pain, they always come back to being those two boys who grew up together.

"You should have seen the way she looked at me," Derek continued on, unfazed by the hint of amusement in Mark's eyes. "Like...like she didn't believe I loved her." Izzie had never said the words but Derek knew the look in her eyes for what it was.

"Come on, man, she knows you love her," Mark assured him.

Derek shook his head gently. He knew, better than most, how hard it was to feel like second best - the second choice, the consolation prize. He'd felt that way with Meredith so many times before and he vowed to never, ever, let any other woman in his life feel that way.

"She thinks I love Meredith more. That she's just a consolation prize and I didn't say anything to make her feel any differently." The neurosurgeon sighed heavily, a great weight pressing down on him. "Even after everything that happened last night..." he shook his head again at the memory of seeing her in the rain, of Izzie telling him about her past, and of them making love. "...I thought that I had proven to her that she is the one I want."

Derek then leaned back against the chair - the piece of furniture making a little squeak - leaned his head back, and ran his hands over his face in frustration.

"Maybe it's not about you, then," Mark suggested. Derek looked up at him with confusion. "Maybe what's bothering her is...her." That only made Derek more confused. Hell, it even sounded a bit confusing to Mark. "What I'm saying is, maybe Izzie is afraid of the choice she now has to make."

"What do you mean? What choice?"

"To continue to be with you and lose Meredith as a friend and the home that all of them have made. Or to leave you alone and give up what the two of you have." Mark shrugged. "Deep down inside, she knows you love her and she loves you back. But it's not like she's had the most stable upbringing and she found a family in Meredith, Yang, O'Malley, and Karev. That's got to be hard for anyone to let go of."

Derek hadn't even considered that. Hadn't even considered what Izzie would be losing if they continued their affair. He'd fallen in love with her and she with him and he assumed that would be enough. That their love could overcome anything.

He wanted to kick himself for being so damn stupid.

He really should have learned by now that love wasn't always enough.

* * *

Cristina watched as Meredith paced back and forth in the locker room. She tried to find some words of comfort, but they wouldn't come. Instead, she sat there and watched as Meredith went off on a tangent. If she couldn't soothe her, the least she could do is let her rant.

"I just can't believe it," Meredith said again for what seemed like the fiftieth time. "I can't believe he was cheating on me with Izzie!"

"Technically, it wasn't cheating," Cristina pointed out before she could stop herself. Luckily, Meredith didn't hear her.

"I was upset when I found out that he was moving on, but I never thought with Izzie... She's not his type. He's not _her_ type. This is..." When she stopped pacing, Cristina hoped she was starting to finally come to terms with it. "This is wrong...he should be with me."

"Oh, no," Cristina sighed with closed eyes. "Mer..." she began only to be interrupted.

"No, he belongs with me. He wanted a life and family with me before I messed everything up. I need to make him realize that again."

Cristina stared at her friend, sure that Meredith was now looking straight through her. "Meredith..." what was there left to say that she hadn't said before? Suddenly, it occurred to her exactly what she should say. She didn't like breaking her friend's heart this way, but it needed to be said. Meredith was headed down a destructive path. "Derek loves Izzie."

* * *

The gallery was practically empty save for Izzie. It was early evening and her shift wasn't over, but George was partially covering for her so she could watch Hannah's surgery. She knew she should, like the Kleins had done, opted to be somewhere else – anywhere else, but watching her daughter being operated on, but she couldn't help herself. She needed to feel close to her child.

With everything else in so much turmoil and upheaval, the severity of Hannah's condition grounded her. Being strong for Hannah and willing her through this...was all she had.

Derek and Bailey cast a glance upward before the music started signaling the start of the surgery. She hadn't seen Derek since the fight earlier. Mark had sought her out, intent to plead Derek's case, but Izzie politely asked him not to. Surprisingly, he agreed.

Bailey offered her a 'thumbs up' before turning to the table and Izzie willed herself to breathe.

The minutes seemed to tick by slowly, every second weighing down on Izzie like a ton of bricks. Forty minutes in and there had been no complications so far, her daughter wasn't out of the woods yet.

So engrossed in every movement down below, Izzie didn't notice when Cristina sat down beside her. "How is your daughter?" the budding heart-surgeon asked in even tones. Izzie turned to face her friend (or she hoped Cristina was still her friend) with a surprised expression. Cristina gave a half smirk. "It's pretty obvious," she said. "And she has your eyes."

Alarmed, Izzie found her voice. "No one else knows, do they?" Oddly enough, it didn't bother her that Cristina knew.

"Probably not," she replied casually. "But no one pays attention the way I do."

Izzie allowed herself a smile. That was true. No one paid more attention to detail than Cristina. "I'm sure people will be now...after that fight with Meredith." She let out a sigh, unsure of what to say or to feel. She held Cristina's gaze. "I never meant for this to happen. I never, ever meant to hurt Meredith."

Despite feeling protective of Meredith, Cristina felt a certain...camaraderie with Izzie as well. Everyone makes their choices in life, she's learned, and like it or not, they have to live with them. "I know," she said after a moment. "Just like I know that for the past month, Derek has been looking at you in a way he's never looked at Meredith."

"She's going to hate me forever," Izzie whispered.

"Maybe," Cristina agreed. "You have to decide if it's worth it."

Another deep sigh escaped her pink lips. Izzie looked down at her daughter's sleeping face to ground herself again. She couldn't deal with this now. Not while Hannah is in need. Not while she's still confused. She'd found a home, a family with her friends here. She had the life she always wanted. Could she really give that up? Line would undoubtedly be drawn. Sides to be chosen. The hospital could become a virtual war-zone.

But could she really give up what she's found with Derek? Love...deep, true, unabashed love. The kind of love people only dream about...

Could she possibly have both?

As if to answer, Cristina, surprisingly grabbed her hand and squeezed. Just for a moment, barely long enough for the motion to be detected by anyone else, but Izzie felt the warmth. Felt the reassurance. Felt the unspoken '_you deserve to be happy, too'._

Silently, they returned to watching the surgery. George came in at the hour mark, sitting on the other side of Izzie and grabbing her hand, and Alex joined them soon after. It was clear from his expression that he'd heard about the fight, but it didn't seem to matter to him. The four of them sat together, silently. No words needed to be spoken. Nothing mattered right then. No decisions to be made, no more friendships lost.

Derek looked up with a smile at the two hour mark, and Izzie allowed herself to have hope that everything would work out.


End file.
